How to Stay Single for the Long Term

Do you wonder why there are people who seem to be continuously successful at remaining single for long periods of time? Do you envy their free time and the ability to not have to take a shower every weekend? And don’t forget all that extra money that they save on birthday presents and pesky dates.

It seems like they have found a secret formula, haven’t they? But despair not. Once more, here at Unhinged Magazine, we have cracked the secret and make it available to you so that you too can spend more time at home masturbating and watching Netflix.

By following our three step approach, you’ll be scaring potential partners away in no time.

1. The 3B factor.

It is imperative that you develop the 3B factor if you want to stay single. Also known as the BBB factor or the BBBF, it involves 3 stages

a) Bitch
b) Bitch
c) Bitch some more

Bitching is a skill and like all skills, it needs to be developed through practice and repetition. Some single people are born with a gift for it, but most of them had to work on developing it all their lives. If you don’t have 3BF, it’s never too late to start.

While the bitching can be about anything at all, try to specialize in three things: your exes, the opposite gender and petty things.

Examples:

  • I can’t believe I put up with Randall’s lack of hygiene, lack of courtesy, and small penis for that long. God, I hated that man.
  • I tell you man. All a girl wants is your money and nothing else. No money, no girl. Materialistic bitches.
  • Hey waiter, when I ask you to bring me a glass of water, I mean a FULL glass of water. Are you stupid or just incompetent?

Anger“Yellow Flowers? YOU SHOULD KNOW I PREFER BLUE ONES”

2. The D & E Factor

The D & E (demand and entitlement) Factor is another important attitude. Its goal is to keep actual human beings out of the picture so that only a god or goddesses has a chance of dating you. Hey, if you are going to lose the benefits of singleness, it should be worth it.

To develop the D & E Factor, you have to create a list of demands and requirements that any potential partner has to fulfill in order to date you. Unlike most people, don’t take the items of this list as something you’d like, but as things you’re entitled to!

The sky is the limit! Here are a few ones for you to get an idea:

DEIncredible looks (like Brad Pitt or Scarlett Johansson)

A dream job
More income per month than all your earthly possessions together
Willing to _________ regardless of any situation.
100% approval from all your friends
Underwear-model body type
Belongs to ______ religion
Democrat/Republican voter
Living no more than 10 miles away from your house/job
Willing to give you access to his/her cellphone/Facebook/e-mail

(On the down side, you’ll have to cut back on your video game time)

3. The Nothing factor

You’re almost there. Here’s the last thing you have to do to stay single for a long time, maybe even for the rest of your life.

Are you ready? Here’s what you have to do: Nothing.

That’s right, nothing at all. For maximum effect, try practicing doing nothing everyday. I guess you still have to make a living and sleep and eat, and do something to amuse yourself. However stay away from any activities that will improve your personality, your financial situation, your body, or your self-esteem.

See, success, talent, and confidence tend to attract people and you don’t want to do that. Just stick to your most basic routines and you’ll be fine.

nothingLiving in a tent in your parents’ basement helps.

BONUS: Calculating your foreveralone coefficient

Congratulations on making it all the way to here. Just for that, you get the mathematical formula to calculate your Forever Alone Coefficient (FAC).

FAC  =              (Your attractive points)
——————————————————
(Unrealistic Demands + Bitching per day)

The closer your FAC is to zero, the longer you’ll be single.

Happy Masturbation!

When not busy mixing his whites with colors, Flippy works as a writer, translator, and language teacher. In his free time, he plays video games, takes photos, and writes funny stuff. You can find his humor book, Flippy’s Life Lessons Stuff Every Single Man Should Know, published by Relentlessly Creative Books on Amazon.com.

Copyright 2017, Flippy. Published with the permission of the author.

Want to read more from Flippy? Check out his article about how Hollywood thinks sex works.

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