Sex According to Hollywood

Here’s a piece of advice for young, aspiring writers: if you can’t think of something to write about, write about sex. With a few exceptions, sex (or the lack thereof) is something everybody knows by instinct. Plus, it’s a rather new topic that almost nobody has written about.

lots of books Give or take a few thousands

Sex is one of the strongest human drives, and it’s not a surprise that it has a prominent place in human culture. But if you were an alien anthropologist and you came to Earth to study the films that were left after your race wiped the human race off of the planet, you’d get an idea of human sexuality that’s rather different from what it actually is. You see, according to Hollywood:

1. The average human female weighs in negative numbers, is obscenely beautiful and can’t get a date.

Before you have sex, you need a partner. If you’re a male, it’s clear that the best partner is someone who weighs so little that it’s a wonder she doesn’t carry an iron in her purse around just to keep from flying away every time there’s a breeze. This woman has a perfect face and basketballs pinned to her chest, yet she inexplicably has trouble getting a date, much less a stable relationship.

2. The penis of the average man in an adult movie is longer than a light saber.

Hollywood is not very fond of displaying the package of an actor, even in adult movies (yeah, it’s code for “porn”). But when they do, you can hear the air move when he swings it. In fact, it’s a little known fact that the metric system was invented to make the measurements of penises in porn movies sound more impressive. It’s common for European actors to tell their American counterparts “you got a 12 incher? Not bad, but I happen to have 30.5 centimeters, my lad.”

3. First-time sex has no complications, and partners communicate telepathically.

As long as two people are in love, there is no need for oral communication when having sex for the first time. My guess is that they use their minds to talk to each other about potential complications. That’s why in a movie you never have boobs squashed, body parts out place, pulled hair, cries of pain due to actually unpleasant pain, or requests to shift your body. Also, even when the lights are turned off, everything will still be perfectly visible.

olympic skatingFirst sexual partners have this level of coordination

4. The chance of pregnancy will be inversely proportional to the convenience of pregnancy.

A girl that is underage, lives in an unstable household, is poor and uneducated, has a terrible relationship, is addicted to alcohol and/or drugs, has an almost 100% chance of getting pregnant in her first sexual encounter. In contrast, an educated woman with a career and a loving husband and who actually wants to get pregnant will typically have trouble conceiving a child.

You’d think that after millennia of depicting sex, and in an era where we understand the biological process and have no need for magical explanations, we’d depict sex correctly. But then again, films are not about realism, but fantasy. If you want realistic sex, open a biology book.

museumOr go to a museum. They are also very educational

Are there any others discrepancies between Hollywood sex and real sex? Let us know in the comments.

When not busy mixing his whites with colors, Flippy works as a writer, translator, and language teacher. In his free time, he plays video games, takes photos, and writes funny stuff. You can find his humor book, Flippy’s Life Lessons Stuff Every Single Man Should Know, published by Relentlessly Creative Books on Amazon.com.

Copyright 2017, Flippy. Published with the permission of the author.

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