How Hollywood Thinks the Universe Works

Hollywood is not the place where you go for realism. Still, there are some things that you see in movies that make you wonder if specific types of physical, sociological, or psychological rules exist that apply to all movies. If there are, I think they would go like this.

1.- You can outrun any explosion.

Sometimes, you can even outwalk them.

2.- Women in bed make every effort to cover their breasts, even if they are by themselves.

woman in bed

It’s completely unacceptable to let your lover see your boobies.

3.- One in a million chances happen nine times out of ten.

If you cross the streams, the chance of survival is almost zero.

4.- Obscenely gorgeous women have trouble getting dates.

sandra and nicole

Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman just can’t catch a break.

5.- 99% of soldiers in any professional army can’t hit a human-sized target, even at close range, even if several of them are shooting.

These guys can’t even hit whale-sized targets at close range.

6.- All you need to be a hacker is to type really, really fast.


A gun to the head makes it even more effective.

7.- Cars are built with explosives in them and any collision or bullet will make them explode.

Your average car accident.

8.- In any given dangerous situation, the weak child with cancer is the one that’s sure to survive.

Pics of children with cancer are tasteless, so here’s a picture of a puppy instead.

9.- In Paris, you can see the Eiffel Tower from any window.

Also, it’s always carnival in Brazil and the running of the bulls in Spain.

10.- When you turn off the lights at your home, you can still see everything clearly.

sleeping in light

So dark it’s scary.

These are not all the rules that govern reality in movies, of course. Sex in particular, is something that Hollywood movies have very little understanding of, just like politicians in Alabama. If you want to read about how Hollywood gets sex wrong, go here.

When not busy mixing his whites with colors, Flippy works as a writer, translator, and language teacher. In his free time, he plays video games, takes photos, and writes funny stuff. You can find his humor book, Flippy’s Life Lessons Stuff Every Single Man Should Know, published by Relentlessly Creative Books on

Copyright 2017, Flippy. Published with the permission of the author.