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What To Do When The Locusts come?

To keep our blog sites free from the countless hordes of computer ninjas, we do our best to protect our work from unwanted intruders who live deep in their momma’s basement and would destroy us for the price of a Yoo-hoo and a package of Slim Jims. Turn your back for one minute and the locusts descend in full force. They are called, “Comment Spams.”


Mortal Kombat tried to warn us. We didn’t listen.

Comment Spams are fake comments attached to your blog post. Their only purpose is to get a response. If you do respond, they now have your name, your email, and the IP Address of where you sent it from. It’s added to a list that’s sold in the hacker domain. They’ll then get into your computer to steal passwords and such. Especially credit card info. This all happens automatically, and that’s why there are so many of them, all trying to get into your blog. Not a pretty picture.

This happened to me-in biblical proportions. Having let my blog go for a bit of time, when I got back to it, I found I had received over 27,000 Comment Spams. 27,000!

The locusts were on me. And they came in all sorts of guises. Some were named “Xanax,” “Albuterol,” “Cialis” and “Oxycotin.” Others called themselves, “Dunhill Pipes,” “rizmr arkos,” and “Femme Cougar.” And all came with bad intentions.

Spending hour after hour trying to erase all of these messages, I began to read some of them. Most didn’t make much sense. Others were completely off topic.

But one or two caught my eye. Maybe it was the construction of the wording, the inappropriate syntax or missing punctuation, or maybe because it was 3 o’clock in the morning. So I read them. Then automatically, I started reading them using an Indian accent.

I know, I know, I’m a racist, and that was a racist thing to do. And when I die, my Karma will catch up to me and I will go to hell. But, let’s be a bit honest. If you have ever had trouble with your cell phone, or satellite TV, and had to call Customer Service to speak with “Gary” from “Wichita,” you may sympathize.

Anyway, all of a sudden it made perfect sense. Some of these spam comments cried out for a reply. Remember: it was 3 o’clock in the morning.


This happens to me rather frequently, I’m afraid.

So, below is a random sampling of some of the messages I received and my (comment spam) responses back to them.

Authors Note: Should you read any of these messages with an Indian accent, forgive yourself. It could just be that this is your brain’s default position. Also, these comments have been reproduced in their entirety as well as in the original spelling, punctuation, syntax, etc. No alterations have occurred.

By the by, the site I operate concerns itself with articles and advice concerning unemployment. You need to know this.

I begin with Brad Pitt. Yes, this first message had the name Brad Pitt. Make of it what you will.

Brad Pitt – Wonderful site you have here but I was wanting to know if you knew of any user discussion forums that cover the same topics discussed in this article? I’d really love to be a part of online community where I can get advice from other experienced individuals that share the same interest. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. Bless you!

Well, bless you too, Brad Pitt. And please believe me when I say that I am truly sorry that the acting thing didn’t pay off for you. Maybe Troy had something to do with it. Maybe you hung around too long doing those Oceans movies, not to mention  the whole Mr. and Mrs. Smith thing.

Of course, it could all be traced back to your douchie hat selections and weak facial hair.

Whatever, since Angelina obviously isn’t of any comfort during these trying times,  always know that I’m here. I can steer you to a couple different employment forums that may be able to guide you.

It’s best if you contact me at my secret email address where we can privately discuss how to recapture some of your manhood back. Don’t need TMZ looking in.

Hello, Good morning as i absolutely enjoy Your site, i wuold feel very special if you would want me to publish a adorable review on your great work in my small would you say yes?

In your small what? Publish a adorable review of my great work in your small what? Don’t be shy. I’ll probably say yes.

Easily, the article is actually the greatest on this deserving topic. I harmonise with your conclusions and will thirstily look forward to your approaching updates. Just saying thanks will not just be adequate, for the phenomenal lucidity in your writing. I will immediately grab your rss feed to stay privy of any updates. Authentic work and much success in your business dealings is the best place to find weight loss news.

Oh man, see, you had me all the way through. You harmonise with me, you thirstily look forward to my approaching updates, you thank me for the phenomenal lucidity in my writing, you want to touch my rss, and then you go and call me fat. Consider yourself blocked. No haters here.

hello!, I love your writing so a lot! percentage we communicate more approximately your post on AOL? I require an expert in this house to unravel my problem. May be that is you! Having a look ahead to peer you.

When would you like me to move in? I have a cat. Will that be a problem? Once I get there, you may peer me at will.

Fantastic web site. A lot of helpful information here. I am sending it to several pals ans also sharing in delicious. And of course, thank you for your sweat!

It’s always nice that others enjoy my sweat. To that end, please find enclosed an additional free vial of some more of it. Please share it with your pals. I hope they share in its delicious.


Now in 4 delicious flavors!

I have to show some thanks to the writer just for rescuing me from this particular incident. After looking out through the the net and obtaining views which were not beneficial. I believed my entire life was done. Living without the presence of approaches to the difficulties you have fixed as a result of these reviews is a serious case, and the ones which may have in a wrong way affected my career if I had not encountered your blog. I’m not sure what I would have done if I had not encountered such stuff like this.

Aww, thanks so much for your kind comments. If we bloggers had only one wish it would be to save a life. I’m so glad you dropped the gun, or shut the window, or kept the cap on that bottle of pills. I’m sure that out there in the world…somebody…somewhere…for some reason…maybe… needs you to stay alive. I can say with great authority that your future lies in Customer Service (how do you feel about the name, “Gary?” Let’s talk.

My grand father always to watch YouTube funny videos, hehehehehe, for the reason that he desires to be cheerful always.

Umm, you gave him a computer? In the Retirement Home? You realize that in the home, “YouTube” is code for “Porn.” Porn is why he is so cheerful always. You need to watch him more carefully.

certainly like your web site but you have to take a look at the spelling on several of your posts a number of them are rife with spelling issues and i find it very bothersome to inform the reality however i will certainly come back again

It’s not often I hear from disciples of e. e. cummings. Might I suggest you use some parenthetical statements as well as a semi colon or two? Just tryin to (keep it real) As for me, I will wrk on that speling issue. [i carry your heart with me (i carry it in)]

Excellent website you will possess here however was curious about if you ever knew of any discussion boards for identical topics discussed here? I’d really like as being a a part of social network where We can easily get suggestions business knowledgeable people that share the exact same interest. If you any suggestions, please conscious. Thank you!

Do you know Brad Pitt? Please go to my private email site and I’ll introduce you. Maybe you two can conscious together.


Now read the article again, but this time imagine the voice of Aishwarya Rai.

Samuel Murphy is the author of the humorous and satirical RealAdviceForTheUnemployed currently on sale at Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00E92JCKY. He has also authored many short works giving rather skewed but real advice on family matters, employment, personal finances, relationships, and child rearing. His works have most recently been featured in Akashic Book’s Terrible Tuesdays, and Flash Fiction Magazine. For additional information and musings, please visit http://realadvicefortheunemployed.com/

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