Weekend Jokes

Sometimes, it’s hard to come up with something funny every week. So in those cases, I lock myself up, harness all my creativity, and find some jokes and images online. Enjoy:

Unless you get this error message.

Unless you get this error message.

1.- A young guy from the countryside moves to city on the coast and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Yeah. I was a produce seller back home.” The manager was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
“You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

“How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One”. The boss says “Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here. One sale a day might have been acceptable in your hometown, but you’re not there anymore, son.”

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked, “So, how much was your one sale for?”
The kid looks up at his boss and says “$101,237.65”.

The boss, astonished, says “$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?”

The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”

The boss said “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?” The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s fucked, perhaps you should go fishing.”

Here's a pic of a dog with a bag on its head for no reason.

Here’s a pic of a dog with a bag on its head for no reason.

2.- John had terrible headaches, so he went to the doctor. he doctor said, “John, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

John was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need, a new suit.”

He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see … size 44 long.” John laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” John tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As John admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed John and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck.” Again, John was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!”

John tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As John adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?” John was on a roll and said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed John’s feet and said, “Let’s see … 9-1/2 E.” John was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!”

John tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” John thought for a second and said, “Sure.” The salesman stepped back, eyed John’s waist and said, “Let’s see… size 36.”

John laughed. “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.” The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

Unhinged Magazine is better read on a keyboard chair.

Unhinged Magazine is better read on a keyboard chair.

3.- An old couple retires to Florida. One December day, the son in New York gets a phone call from his father.

“Ben, we’re getting divorced. I know we’ve been married for 37 years but I can’t stand your mother. I don’t like the way she looks, I don’t like the way she sounds, I don’t like the way she smells and she doesn’t like me either. I’m sick of talking about it. You call your sister”

So Ben call his sister in Chicago and she calls mom.

“Mom, you are not getting divorced. Do not do anything until we get there. We’ll be flying down. I love you”

They hang up and, down in Florida, the mom gives the dad a kiss and says:

“They’re coming for the holidays and they’re paying the airfare.”

Why bother bringing the ladder?

Why bother bringing the ladder?

4.- Employee : Sir, you called me?
Boss : Yeah,go to the rest room and masturbate.
Employee : (After few minutes) Done sir
Boss : Do it again.
Employee : Done again, sir.
Boss : Do it once more
Employee : Now I don’t have stamina for it, sir.
Boss : Very good,here are my car keys, drop my daughter at home.

No comment necessary.

No comment necessary.

5.- Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”

“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it has made a big difference for me.”

“That’s great! What was the name of that clinic?”

Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?”

“You mean a rose?”

“Yes, that’s it!” Then he turned to his wife and asked, “Rose, what was the name of that clinic?

You want more? Read about how Hollywood think the world works.

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