Get the Puck Outta Here

I don’t understand the outcry over the number of Mexicans entering our country. I feel that, for the most part, America needs them. It’s the Canadians that are swarming across our border that bother me. That’s why I was thrilled to hear Republican presidential candidate Scott Walker state that we should consider building a wall along our northern border. It’s a great idea. I am tired of those zamboni driving, free healthcare loving Canadians pouring across our border. They flock to Florida every winter and rent condos that could otherwise be rented by hardworking, patriotic Americans. Every winter our southern beaches are filled with those rink rats, many in speedos. And they are not just coming for vacation, currently there are over eight hundred thousand Canadian immigrants living here.

Canadian in Florida

96 year-old Americans in Florida can’t go swimming anymore.

Although it was Walker’s idea, Donald Trump is the one who could make it happen. We have been told over and over again that Trump is good at building things, but in this case, instead of building a new wall, he should buy the Great Wall of China and ship it here. He has the money and it probably isn’t that expensive as it is old and not really being used. The Mongols haven’t invaded China in years. Mr. Trump is a great negotiator so he should be able to buy it for a Soong.

The Great Wall of China would be a perfect way to keep the Canadian hordes out. Our northern border, including Alaska’s border with Yukon and British Columbia is 5526 miles long. Coincidentally, the main portion of the Great Wall that was built during the Ming dynasty is 5500 miles in length. So it’s almost a perfect fit. Of course the barrier needs to be higher than the barrier we will build on our southern border because Canadians are taller than Mexicans. The height of the Great Wall ranges from 16 to 25 feet so it should be high enough to keep out even the tallest Canadian. And the wall comes with over seven thousand lookout towers and over seven hundred beacon towers. The beacon towers could be used like large penalty boxes to hold Canadians caught trying to sneak into the US while we determine if they are terrorists, rapists or worse yet, socialists.

canadian and the big wall of China

Threat neutralized!

My preference for Mexican immigrants over Canadian immigrants stems from the fact that new arrivals from our neighbor to the south often take jobs that hard working Americans are not hard working enough to do. Canadians, on the other hand, are taking high paying jobs away from Americans. For instance, in the American sport of hockey, only 25% of the NHL players hail from the U.S., despite the fact that three-quarters of the teams are here. These are really lucrative jobs as the average professional hockey player earns about $2.4 million a year. More of these jobs need to be held by Americans. Having more US hockey players would also be a boon for American dentists. Equally unfair is the fact that almost all of the high paying referee positions are held by Canadians.

Our northern neighbors are starting to encroach on other American sports as well. At the present time, they have fifteen roster spots on American basketball teams, nine spots on American baseball teams and there are twenty Canadians currently in the National Football League. All of these players need to be shipped home to make room for worthy Americans. The only exception should be for the Pittsburgh Steeler’s place kicker who is on my fantasy team. He should be allowed to finish out the season.

They also play some sort of weird sport

They also practice some weird ritual with a ball. I think it’s some sort of ancient form of worship.

Another problem with Canadians is that there are too many cultural differences that prevent them from properly assimilating into our society. First, they are on the metric system (along with almost every other country on the planet) whereas the most advanced countries such as the U.S., Burma and Liberia use whatever our system of measurement is called. Not being familiar with our system means that they don’t know how fast to drive here or how to measure anything.

Secondly, Canadians don’t always play by our rules. Take football for example. They have taken a perfectly good sport and changed the rules so that it is barely recognizable. They don’t even have a fourth down! Give me a break.

Thirdly, there are too many language differences for us to communicate with them effectively. What is a loonie and a toonie anyway? And why do they end EVERY sentence with eh? Even when they use the correct word they often spell it incorrectly (colour is a laughable example) or they pronounce it wrong such as “pas-ta” for pasta, “aboot” for about and “Sore-y” for sorry. Which brings me to my last point, they apologize for everything. We Americans never apologize. How do they expect to fit in? They should get the puck outta here.

sorry canada apology

So un-American.

So, we need to round-up all of the Canadians currently in the U.S. and body check them back where they belong. Once that is done and the wall is in place we can let some back in because some of them are probably good people.

While he’s at it, Trump might consider putting a dome over our beloved country. That would also keep out the damn Canadian geese and the blasts of cold Arctic air in the winter. If Trump could build a wall on our southern border, relocate the Great Wall to our northern border, and put a dome over our heads we would all sleep easier. It would be the perfect security hat trick. The wall would also prevent a flood of Americans from fleeing the country if Trump is elected president.

we shall overcomb

And there will be hell toupee!

Note from the author: The idea of relocating the Great Wall of China to the U.S. and rounding up the Canadians is not a serious suggestion. It is a joke, eh. I felt the need to clarify this as these ideas are not any goofier than some the presidential candidates are currently tossing around.

John Wade, a frequent contributor to Unhinged Magazine, is a retired Chief Financial Officer who lives in Wildwood, Missouri.

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published with the permission of the author