‘Merican Harry Potter

If you are a Harry Potter fan, you must have heard about J. K. Rowling’s upcoming prequel, which will feature the adventures in ‘Murica of young not-yet-killed Sirius Black and James Potter. J.K. Rowling has created a new American term for muggle in the story: no-maj. Many people are outraged at the word, some of them going so far to say that the word “sounds” racist, which makes sense because there is absolutely no racism in the U.S.

harry potter american gothic severus snape minerva mcgonagall

We also discover that Snape and McGonagall had relatives in the New World.

Still, it’s Rowling’s work and she’s allowed to mess it up and milk the franchise as much as she wants. If George Lucas can do it, why can’t she?

Since we are obsessive nerds with nothing better to do than acquiring obscure knowledge about shit that doesn’t even exist, we decided to send our secret Russian spy to take a peek of the script and discovered that there are even more ‘Merican words in it. Here are some of them because we know you love everything Harry Potter:

1.- Accio Burger

This is not a spell, but actually a chain of magical fast food restaurants that James and Sirius find all over ‘Merica. ‘Merican clerks use their magic to automatically supersize them and add fries and coke to it.

2.- Undocumented-Elf

A short being that looks like a human but is a little different, that is used by rich people to work for practically free, doing things that other human beings could do but don’t want to.

Mexican dobby harry potter

They use the spell “Mi Casa Es Tu Casa” to clean up.

3.- You-Don’t-Know-Who

A slang term that is used by ‘Merican Dark Magicians to refer to themselves, specially when trying to intimidate someone into silence.

4.- Bitchditch

The equivalent of Quidditch in magical ‘Merica, except players are all male and full of steroids, uniforms have brand and corporate logos, violence is rewarded with extra points, and the snitch works for the government.

Quidditch nike just do it

It’s actually just a contest to see who has the biggest broom handle.

5.- Bullshitaserum

An alcoholic drink that ‘Merican magicians drink willingly every day. Ingestion goes up during Bitchditch matches. It tastes similar to pee, but worse.

6.- Cashkaban

A prison system network with multiple facilities all over magical ‘Merica. It is actually the third most profitable industry after the shooting wands and the bombing brooms industries.

Azkaban rehabilitation center

Nothing better for rehabilitation than constant psychological torture in an unsanitary place.

7.- Piggywarts

A school where young ‘Mericans go to study. The selection process is quite rigorous, requiring several credit approval checks and long term debt. It is divided into four houses: Griffinance, Huffle-Engineering, RavenMath, and Fuck You!

8.- ‘Merica’s got Crucio

‘Merica’s number 1 TV show, where audiences are tortured with the bad singing, acting or performing of thousands of no-majs who desperately want to believe they got “magic.”

9.-Congressmen

Creatures who feed on the happy thoughts of people, sucking their souls and emotions until they leave only an empty shell.

American dementors

They wear dark glasses instead of hoods.

10.- Expecto Nothingo

This is just the magical version of the ‘Merican Dream.

american dream

After decades of working, magicians still can’t pay back Piggywarts or afford housing, healthcare, and food.

When not busy mixing his whites with colors, Flippy works as a writer, translator, and language teacher. In his free time, he plays video games, takes photos, and writes funny stuff. You can find his humor book, Flippy’s Life Lessons Stuff Every Single Man Should Know, published by Relentlessly Creative Books on Amazon.com.

©2015, all rights reserved
Published with permission from the author

Flippy thinks he’s funny. Humor him by reading the scandal that offended Mexicans, or the types of Facebookers there are.

 

 

 

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