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Sammy Goes Free

Sammy in Prison

Sammy in Prison

After Being Indicted by a Grand Jury
A ham sandwich protests its innocence;
hires Heinz, Hellmann, Vlasic & Poupon
to prepare a mouth-watering defense.

The DA’s gastric evidence backfires on the People.
Where’s the botulism? salmonella? E. coli?
(Promoting flatulence is merely a misdemeanor.)
Defense witnesses Rye & Pumpernickel slather
shreds of reasonable kraut over an all-white jury
which—after deliberating through lunch hour—
returns its verdict: Scrumptious on all counts.

In an exclusive interview with Bon Appétit
the sandwich asks how it is that liverwurst,
chicken salad, and pastrami always get off
scot free?—and threatens to sue the Feds
for “wrongful prosecution.” Others charged
in this “gut wrenching” civil suit will include
“Those slice-n-dice bastards from Subway.”

crime scenevsandwichvbags

Sadly, most don’t make it alive.

 

David Alpaugh’s humorous and satirical poetry has appeared in Asinine Poetry, Bogg, Dirty Napkin, Drunk Monkeys, Evergreen Review, Light, Parody, Rattle, The Satirist, Stride, and Zyzzyva. His musical play Yesteryear: Three Days in Paris with François Villon has just been published at Scene4. You can sample more of his work at www.davidalpaugh.com.

Want more Unhinged? We aim to please! Check out how easy it was to be declared crazy in the late 1800s by guest writer Stan Silliman. Or read about the new ‘Merican terms in Harry Potter.

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