Flippy Interviews Santa

I am proud to present to you the first interview ever with the real Santa Claus. It was an honor meeting such a great person. So, without further ado, here it is, my interview with Santa Claus:

Flippy: So, my first question would be, why are you giving this interview?

Santa Claus: Well, I’m afraid that I won’t be around for long. I think I might go away soon and I want people to know the truth about me rather than have them make up stories.

F: What do you mean you’re not going to be around for long? Aren’t you immortal?

SC: Well, yes and no. I am alive thanks to the belief that people have in me. However, more and more children stop believing in me each year and I feel my vital energy decreasing, my physical health being affected. I think I still have energy for many more years, it’s just that each year increasingly has a bigger chance of being the first year without Santa Claus.

F: How did you attain this immortality?

SC: Honestly, I don’t know. I used to be a priest in what is now known as Turkey, and I was able to perform miracles through the power of Jesus Christ, just like he promised. It was much more common back then. So common in fact that few people recorded it. It was a natural part of life.

saint nicholas of myra

Santa’s old yearbook.

One of my first true miracles occurred through a raging famine. Some guy killed three innocent children and I happened to witness the event. It was the first time I asked for a powerful miracle. I was granted it. I was able to resurrect these three children.

I think as a result, I developed a soft spot for children and used miracles to give them presents, like putting coins in their shoes. I am not sure, but I think that’s the point where I continued to age, yet stopped dying.

F: How did you go from being a priest in Turkey to a jolly white fellow at the North Pole?

SC: It’s a very complex story and I am writing a book with all the details at the moment. In short, I eventually stopped all other miracles and focused only on children, specially to celebrate the birth of our Lord. I used my free time to travel all over the world. Eventually I became famous, so famous in fact that I didn’t have any peace at all. Even in the times before the Internet, people would bother me at my home, asking for miracles or money. I gladly helped at first. However, I eventually noticed that these people didn’t care for our Lord at all. They just wanted free stuff. I was disgusted when I realized this. I decided to move north, since in those days there was no heating and the cold served as a deterrent for human mobility. I ended up at the North Pole and built my home here. I even used a miracle to change my physical appearance. Since everybody was looking for a thin, brown man, I decided to become a fat, white man.

F: I see, and you have been giving presents to children from there, right?

SC: Right.

F: If you are giving the presents, how come parents buy them every year? And how come the presents are all assembled in India or China and produced by big corporations?

SC: Because those presents are produced in those countries by big corporations and bought by parents. I had nothing to do with those presents. I certainly would never give toys that encourage materialism to a child. In fact, I would never give a present to a child that already has everything.

christmas consumerism

Not the real Santa.

F: So, do you or don’t you give presents?

SC: I do, but not the type of presents that this Christmas commercialization, this Jesus-for-profit carnival that big corporations have made of my image would make you think. I still give presents, but I still give them secretly and to those who need them. I make a loaf of bread appear in the path of a hunger-stricken child, I put coins in the purse of a mother that can’t afford medicine for her son, I give a rag doll to the child who just lost her parents in a bombing raid.

F: Why don’t you use your magic to avoid these situations in the first place?

SC: First of all, it’s not magic, but the power of our Lord channeled through this humble vessel. Also, people think I’m much more powerful than I really am. They think I can travel around the world in one night, for example. In reality, I preform simple miracles that would mean nothing to the people reading this interview, like a glass of water on the table, but that makes the world of difference to some. I wish there were a way to communicate better with the people and children I help, but alas, I think this is my only option available.

And as I said, every year I have less and less energy, so I’m less able to help. My hope is that at least some people who read this become the next Santas. They don’t need miracles. They just need a little compassion. That would be much more helpful than an army of “magical” Santas.

F: How do you feel about going away? Will you die, ascend to the heavens?

SC: I don’t know and I don’t care. As I said, I just want people to know the truth. I am not pleading for more belief in me in the hopes of prolonging my life. I don’t know what will happen, since you know, I’ve never been dead before. Maybe I’ll just disappear like that Yoga elf in that movie about space. Frankly, I’ve lived a fulfilling life and I’ve seen many things, both bad and good. I honestly could use some eternal rest.

F: Tell us about your book.

SC: It’s basically just filling in the details of all that I’ve told you so far. I’m not interested in teaching morality, but rather to show the values that I’ve lived for. Whatever people will do, it’s not mine to decide or judge.

I will say that I’m working hard on making my book copyright free so that everyone can read it. You have no idea how difficult this is. There are so many loopholes that would allow a corporation to claim the rights to it. It’s really sad not to be able to share freely anymore.

F: Well, thank you very much. It’s been really enlightening. We wish you the best in the future.

potential for santa generosity children

So many more Santas are needed.

 

When not busy mixing his whites with colors, Flippy works as a writer, translator, and language teacher. In his free time, he plays video games, takes photos, and writes funny stuff. You can find his humor book, Flippy’s Life Lessons Stuff Every Single Man Should Know, published by Relentlessly Creative Books on Amazon.com.

Too touching? Read Flippy’s opposite take on Christmas, in which he tries to make Christmas even more materialistic than what it already is.

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