How to Make Christmas MORE Materialistic

The last two years, I wrote two articles about how to make Christmas less materialistic.

This year, I discovered I was wrong. What we need is a MORE materialistic Christmas. Who cares about being thankful for what you have? Didn’t you just buy a bunch of stuff you didn’t really need on Black Friday? Think about it. What made you happier? That new HD-TV that displays 8 quazillions more colors than your previous one or seeing Aunt Dorothy at Thanksgiving dinner?

So, here’s how to make Christmas even more materialistic. C’mon, that’s what the true spirit of Christmas is about:

1.- Buy presents. LOTS of presents.

You already gave love and affection all year long. Christmas is the time to be generous, and by generous I mean buy cool stuff. Don’t be that lame ass who gives socks or worse, gives something that you built with your hands. No, no, no, no. Buy something that comes in a nice box or with a plastic cover. Remember to create even more garbage by wrapping the whole thing in something that will be torn away.

Oh, and remember to get expensive stuff. That’s important too. Go into debt if you must.


That’s the (Christmas) spirit.

2.- Get the biggest, flashiest, most stupid Christmas tree you can afford.

Nothing says “I spend money on Christmas” than a larger-than-life tree. Which is why you should have the biggest Christmas tree you can afford in your living room. You also need to decorate the shit out of it. Remember to leave a space underneath the tree for the presents.

Of course, you need a Christmas tree outside your house too. This one should be even bigger and more stupid than the one inside. Make everything wintery, with fake snow and miniature sleights and skates and other winter decorations. That way, you’d have a pine tree in a snowy landscape, just like the ones in Bethlehem! By the way, is Bethlehem still called Jerusalem or where is it located nowadays?

If you get a plastic tree, get rid of it at the end of the holidays and get a new one next year. You don’t want to make those garbage collectors lose their jobs, do you?

Christmas tree too big

Almost perfect, it just needs more width.

3.- Stuff your house with Christmas lights and other decorations.

Lights, lights, lights. If people drive by your house, the lights have to be attractive enough that they distract the drivers and cause accidents. You also need inflatable Santas, reindeer, giant bells, and anything else that you can plug into an electrical outlet.

As an added bonus, you’ll get an even more expensive electricity bill AND contribute to global warming.

House with too many Christmas lights

You can try to charge your family for admission to make up for the increase in electricity bills.

4.- Avoid “A Charlie Brown’s Christmas” like the plague.

You don’t want to be reminded that the true spirit of Christmas is celebrating the birth of Christ. That just won’t do. This time, watch proper Christmas specials that focus on a) someone stealing the presents, b) someone preventing Santa from delivering the presents, or c) someone struggling to get the perfect present. At the very least, it’s about someone giving stuff to someone else. Fortunately, pretty much every Christmas specials other than the first Charlie Brown one falls in one of these categories.

Charlie Brown Christmas

What a party pooper.

Anyway, that’s it. Have a Materialistic Christmas. If you like this article, please send some stuff my way. I could really use a Playstation 4. If you want to read my articles about how to make Christmas less materialistic, you can do so here and here. However, still send me some presents, will you?

When not busy mixing his whites with colors, Flippy works as a writer, translator, and language teacher. In his free time, he plays video games, takes photos, and writes funny stuff. You can find his humor book, Flippy’s Life Lessons Stuff Every Single Man Should Know, published by Relentlessly Creative Books on This year, he’s bitter because nobody gave him a present in the last two years, but don’t tell him we told you.