Politically Correct Joke Checklist

Great comedians don’t just focus on being funny. They know that in order to succeed, they need to take into account people’s feelings above everything else. Even if you are not a professional comedian, it’s necessary to purge any joke, even those used in casual conversation from any material that might be considered offensive.

The purpose of this checklist is to make sure that any joke that you tell is completely safe to use and doesn’t offend anyone, intentionally or unintentionally. Please ask your friends to be patient with you while you go through this checklist after you announce that you have a joke for them. Going through the checklist will make your joke a better experience for everyone or avoid causing an embarrassing situation. Right click this link to download your very own PDF of this checklist.

Trigger Warning: In every item of this checklist, I’ve included an example of how this type of material is so offensive that it makes the joke a terrible experience for people. I hope that the example will let you see how such a joke is not funny at all and why it shouldn’t be told.

shocked audience

Oh, the humanity!

Does your joke:

1. Mention a race?

An ewok walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a whiskey… and a soda.” The bartender asks him “why the little pause?” The ewok replies, “I don’t know. I was born with them.”

2. Mention an ethnic minority?

An Apache walks into a hotel and asks for a room. The clerk asks him “Do you have a reservation?”

3. Mention a religion or a member of a religion?

A Jew asks a Mexican if they have Jews in Mexico. The Mexican replies, “Yes, we have many jews: orange jews, papaya jews, mango jews…

4. Mention a country or nationality?

Q. Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because everybody who can swim, jump, or run has crossed the border.

5. Mention an occupation?

Q. How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. That’s not important. The important thing is: Does it want to change?

6. Mention a religious holiday?

Q. How is Christmas like your job?
A. Because you work all year and the fat guy in the suit gets all the money and the credit.

7. Mention a holiday from another country?

I’ll hook up with you this Cinco de Mayo if you can refrain from calling me a hot tamale.

8. Involve words that are not in your mother tongue?

What if soy milk is just milk trying to introduce itself in Spanish?

9. Mention a cultural staple, for example food or dress, of a culture that’s not yours?

Q. Want to hear a joke about pizza?
A. No, they’re too cheezy.

10. Require some previous knowledge of a subject?

3 out of 2 people have problems with fractions.

11. Spoil a movie or a book for someone who hasn’t seen it yet?

I guess now it’s Chewbacca Solo.

12. Mention an ideology?

Ugh, communism has no class.

13. Mention a social movement?

I tip my hat to feminists. They don’t like it.

14. Mention a political party, fictional or not?

Q. How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They are afraid of change.

15. Mention individual people, fictional or not?

Someone showed Hillary a video that shows how she has flip-flopped on many issues. She said it made her feel bad, but now she’s ok with it now.

16. Mention a historical event?

I don’t General Lee like Civil War jokes.

17. Assume that the listener is familiar with a specific structure that only exists in your culture?

Knock, knock.

18. Refer to a gender?

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don’t know. It has never happened.

19. Mention a specific sexual preference?

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

20. Mention any word, scientific or vernacular, that refers to genitals?

People say to me, “You’re not feminine.” Well, they can just suck my dick.

21. Have any allusions to nipples or breasts?

Q. What do video games and boobs have in common?
A. They were initially for the children, but it’s their dads who end up playing with them.

22. Talk about cheating or betraying someone in a relationship?

80% of married men cheat in America. The other 20% cheat overseas.

23. Involve the death of someone, fictional or not?

Batman: “Hey Spiderdumb, is uncle Ben at home?”
Spiderman: “No Batass, he’s out with your parents.”

24. Involve a physical handicap?

Q. How do you find the blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It’s not hard.

25. Involve any mental illness?

Q. “Do you have any books on paranoia?”
A. “They’re behind you.”

26. Lose its funniness or become incomprehensible if you change the gender of the characters in the joke?

There was a fight between snowmen and snowwomen. The snowwomen lost because they didn’t have snowballs.

27. Involve rape?

I was raped by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. He wasn’t wearing a mask so I don’t know which one it was.

28. Involve murder?

Q. Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?
A. There are no dental records and the DNA is all the same.

29. Involve alcoholism?

I had to stop drinking, ‘cause I got tired of waking up in my car going 90.

30. Involve mutilation?

Q. Why was Darth Vader’s suit so expensive?
A. Because it cost him an arm and a leg.

31. Involve birth defects?

A boy was born without a body, only a head. Nevertheless, his parents raised him as well as they could. On his 18th birthday, he goes to a bar with his friends. He drinks alcohol for the first time and POOF, a torso comes out of his neck.

He drinks another drink and POOF, an arm comes out of his torso. He keeps drinking, POOF, POOF, POOF, he has a complete body! Completely drunk and excited, he runs out of the bar and is promptly crushed by a bus.

The bartender sighs and says, “He should have quit while he was a head.”

32. Involve eating disorders?

Q. Why do bulimic girls prefer KFC?
A. Because it comes with a bucket.

33. Involve cancer?

My wife’s star sign was Cancer, which is ironic considering how she died. She was killed by a giant crab.

34. Involve death?

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens

35. Involve 9/11?

It’s disgusting that there is a team called the Chicago Fire. It’s unethical to have teams named after the biggest tragedy in your history. You don’t see the New Orleans Katrinas, the Oklahoma Bombings, or the New York Jets.

36. Involve animal cruelty?

One morning, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know.

37. Make fun of overweight people?

Yo Mama’s so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.

38. Make fun of poor people?

Q. Why did the poor child quit school?
A. He was so poor he couldn’t afford to pay attention?

39. Make fun of people with poor social skills?

Q. Why does Lord Voldermort use Twitter but not Facebook?
A. Because he has followers but no friends.

40. Refer to people’s physical appearance?

Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mama.

Results:

If you answered any of these questions, “yes,” I’m sorry, you won’t be able to tell your joke. Apologize to your friends and thank them for their patience and time. You may want to get together with your teddy bears in a safe space away from offensive material.

standing ovation

You may rejoice in the knowledge that you prevented unnecessary suffering in this world.

Feel free to copy and distribute this material as long as you’re an anthropomorphized platypus. Otherwise, you can’t. It’s cultural appropriation! Right click this link to download the checklist in PDF format.

When not busy mixing his whites with colors, Flippy works as a writer, translator, and language teacher. In his free time, he plays video games, takes photos, and writes funny stuff. You can find his humor book, Flippy’s Life Lessons Stuff Every Single Man Should Know, published by Relentlessly Creative Books on Amazon.com.

If you want to see more of Flippy’s politically incorrect humor, check out his New Year’s Resolutions for the Modern Era. Or, if you want to see him being a decent platypus being for once, check out his interview with Santa Claus.

©2016, all rights reserved
published with the permission of the author

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