Pat Robertson Says God Controls Stock Market

“The stock market plunge,” says televangelist Pat Robertson, “is God’s punishment for our government funding Planned Parenthood.”

Whoa! A hot damn… whoa! We knew Pat told us God controls the weather “There were gays in New Orleans. Not shocked they were hit by Katrina!”

And we knew Pat told us God controls earthquakes, “The people of Haiti, long ago, made a pact with the devil,” but we didn’t know nothing about God manipulating no stocks.

That’s news to us.

pat robertson

It takes a lot of concentration to channel these messages.

We thought Pat would be right with the world now that Tim Tebow is back playing pro football, this time with the Eagles, one of Pat’s favorite patriotic birds. But no… the stock market tanks and Planned Parenthood incurring God’s wrath is to blame.

There are so many questions to ask I don’t know where to start. I guess I have to slip my questions in the envelope along with my $25 donation to the 700 Club to get some answers. Seriously, we didn’t know God messed with the stock market. I wonder if Bernie Madoff knew about that? That’s probably why Bernie told his investors (chumps) he was killing the market when, really, Bernie knew he couldn’t trust God.

I don’t know if Pat was listening but I thought folks were blaming the big drops in the Chinese markets rather than God. I’ll point this out in my letter. I’ll say see this graph, Pat?

Then I’ll say if God hated Obama and Planned Parenthood so much why did he allow the market to rise from George’s 6500 floor up to almost 17,000? What about that, Pat? Planned Parenthood was here during the whole rise. What was God doing, just sitting back, letting us get all with this Affordable Care and the Gay Marriages and the many abortions and just let the market keep climbing? Are you trying to tell us, Pat, that God isn’t a Republican? He’ll let Obama get all this credit, let him put his programs through while the market keeps ascending like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir?

I’ve got questions, Pat, and I need answers. Do I need to slip in an extra couple of Jacksons to get your attention?

Pat, if God controls the stock market why isn’t Church’s Chicken (a business named after one of God’s favorite places) or Chick-Fil-A (your favorite restaurant to hate gays in) on the exchange?

Pat, if God controls the stock market why is boner pill maker Pfizer doing so well? They’re both a drug dealer and tax haven cheat.

Pat, why has Proctor and Gamble, a company you once accused of supporting the Satanic Church, done so well on the stock exchange over the years?

Please send me some answers, Pat. Enclosed are three Andrews and an Abe.


Norman, Oklahoma comedian and author, Stan Silliman, wrote eight cartoon humor books including “The News in Double Dactyls” awarded the Best Book of Poetry 2002 by Oklahoma Federation of Writers. He was named “Oklahoma City’s Funniest Person” in 2014 Stan wrote over 1400 jokes to win the on-line “Kwipster” contest in 2011 for topical joke writing. Check out his website: Silliman on Sports – a new sports and humor column.

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published with the permission of the author

Read more of Stan Silliman’s humor, like his commentary on the case of the guy who used a racoon to fool the breath analyzer or how mental hospitals were in the 1800s.