Cat in the Hat Enters Presidential Race

The Cat in the Hat stunned America this week when he announced that he was throwing his large red and white striped hat into the presidential ring. Mr. Hat declared his candidacy outside of the childhood home of Dr. Seuss, his friend and creator. The famous mouser, who was wearing his customary striped hat now emblazoned with the words, “Make America Purrfect Again,” spoke to a small but boisterous crowd. Many who came to hear him speak were carrying “Nine lives Matter” signs and chanting “We want the Cat, We want the Cat.”

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At least we know he fixes his mess before he leaves.

Some of his supporters were black and some were white, some seemed sad while others were glad but some seemed to be very, very bad. There were some protesters at the gathering as well. One, who went by the name of Sam, told reporters that he could not, would not vote for the cat. He stated that, “he would not vote for him on a boat, or with a goat or in a house or even with a mouse.”

The famous feline, who was flanked by Thing 1 and Thing 2, spelled out his vision for America before attacking his two main opponents. He chanted “Dump! Dump! Dump! Don’t vote for Trump” and “I do not like Hillary so well, all she does is yell, yell, yell.” Then he was gone with a tip of his hat.

Later, at a hastily called news conference, reporters asked him if he would be running as a liberal or as a conservative. He replied,” I think left and I think right, I think low and I think high, Oh, the thinks I can think if only I try.” Regarding his stand on the issues he said that he would take a very hawkish foreign policy position and that as a cat he would never be Vladimir Putin’s lap dog. He also promised to be tough on crime stating that he would double the number of dog catchers in the U.S. But he indicated that he would take a laissez-faire approach to climate change as he is now an indoor cat and not much concerned about outdoor conditions.

When asked about his on again off again relationship with Cat Woman, the distinguished tomcat admitted the affair but said that, although she had committed crimes, she was not as evil as Batman tried to make her out to be and that the relationship was now over. He went on to declare that his administration would not be marred by sexual misconduct as he had been fixed years ago.

The announcement was surprising for a number of reasons including the fact that he is a cat. However, the American Cat Lovers Union (ACLU) pointed out that nowhere in the Constitution does it say that a cat cannot serve as Commander–in-Chief. But they added that his naming both Thing 1 AND Thing 2 as his running mates was problematic as the Constitution clearly states that there can only be one vice president.

Others questioned his suitability given his checkered past. Years ago The Cat in the Hat was convicted of breaking and entering a home on a rainy day. He was also charged with the death of a fish who passed away sometime after the home invasion. The fish died from injuries he suffered when he fell into a pot that Mr. Hat had been holding while trying to balance a cake on his head while standing on a ball. The Cat did try to clean up the crime scene before fleeing but police were able to track him down. He was later convicted largely on the testimony of little Sally. The Cat has since admitted to the crimes saying that he was high on catnip at the time but that he is now drug free.

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We should leave the scandal behind.

The news was also surprising given The Cat in the Hat’s age. He was created in 1957 which makes him 59 in human years but 253 in cat years. Donald Trump was quick to pounce on this tweeting, “Frankly, The Cat is too old to be president, ok. He may have been energetic when he was a kitten but now he has lower energy than Jeb Bush. All he does is lie around napping. I call him Lyin Cat.” Trump went on to say that, “I have read Dr. Seuss’ lengthy biography of him and frankly, The Cat in the Hat would be a CATastrophic president, believe me, ok, he not only has a small brain, he also has small paws, let me tell you, ok, I saw his news conference. It was disgraceful. Half way through it he had to use his litter box. And frankly I don’t think he covered it up. Believe me that’s disgusting, ok.” The Cat’s only response to Trump’s tweet was, “It looks like Tweety Bird is at it again.”

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Trump counterattacked with a book of his own.

Hillary Clinton was quick to show her displeasure with The Cat’s announcement as well saying, “No, no, make that Cat go away. He should not be running for the White House. I do not like this, I do not like this one little bit.” She added that cats make terrible world leaders. One only has to look back to the former Ugandan dictator Kitty Amin or China’s Chairman Meow Tse-Tung to realize this.” In rebuking Clinton, The Cat asserted that dictators would most likely fear him. He pointed out that many of the worst tyrants in history suffered from ailurophobia, the fear of cats, including Genghis Khan, Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini.

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Clinton’s book might not be suitable for children.

While most political pundits don’t think the feline candidate has a cat-in-hell’s chance of winning the White House, they noted that he is viewed favorably by 90% of Americans while most have an unfavorable opinion of both Clinton and Trump. A recent Rasmussen poll showed that Clinton and Trump are tied with 25% supporting each of them. The Cat in the Hat is not far behind. Currently 20% of American voters favor him. The other 30% of Americans are planning to move to Canada regardless of who wins the election.

A spokesperson for the Cat in the Hat told reporters that Mr. Hat planned to nap for most of this week and that he would be kicking off his campaign in earnest next week or the week after.

John Wade, a frequent contributor to Unhinged Magazine, is a retired Chief Financial Officer who lives in Wildwood, Missouri.

©2016, all rights reserved
published with permission of the author

 

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