As God made you, you’re dabbling with your dibblesticks, gardening in the buff on May 7th, Naked Gardening Day, but what do you plant?

Yes, we at Silliman on Sports, are often asked “Do I drop a bare root in my bare suit?” We say, of course, if you’re so inclined, plant that honeydew while the dew is on you… naked. Just be aware not to be rude while deadheading in the nude. Naked Gardening Day comes but once a year.

However, if you’re into it, don’t drag your nibbly bits into the rose bushes. Rock some Crocs, wear a floppy hat, shave your stragglies. Don’t give aphids a place to nest. And, while you are naked gardening, plant some sexy plants. Why not?

If you’re into Cacti, wear some gloves, have Bactine and styptic pencils nearby. Some cacti can be very sexy, like this booby plant:

cactus boobs

Stay away from those nipples.

If you’re into Cacti, wear some gloves, have Bactine and styptic pencils nearby. Some cacti can be very sexy, like this booby plant:

Other cacti can grow to be somewhat sexy. You may or may not want to grow this critter:

erect cactus

That’s a happy looking cactus.

Yeah, I know. Too many of these things and your neighbors might get upset. Plus handling the bigger cactus can be dicey. So you might want to make your garden a little cuter and softer. Try some mushrooms. Pet down the peat moss. Here’s a cute little butt mushroom:

butt mushromm

Unlike the cacti, you can spank this one.

Your garden can’t have too many of these. And they are tasty little mushrooms. But (did you see what I did there?) if you want to go even softer into sexy flowers, plant a clitoria. Yes, that’s a real flower.

clitoria flower

Take a guess why it’s called clitoria.

No sexy garden is complete without a clitoria. But we shouldn’t limit our garden to cacti, butt mushrooms, and clitoria flowers. It wouldn’t be proper. A good mushroom garden has phallic mushrooms also, like this guy, a mushroom called the phallus impudicus. Not all your plants have to be beauties:

erect plant

To make things worse, it has a foul odor.

The trick is, if your garden is full of these things, be careful where you bend over on naked gardening day. You’ll thank me for that advice.

If you still want more color, there are other plants to achieve that and still be erotic. You can’t hurt yourself on an amaranth. They have nice leaves and a beautiful purple presence.

amaranth penis

What could go wrong? It’s just amaranth.

Invite your garden club over (not on naked gardening day) after a bunch of amaranths, clitorias and phallic mushrooms are sprouting, then watch them titter. They will want to get up close to touch, smell and hold them but then they’ll catch themselves. Also, don’t plant too many phallic mushrooms because their smell is not pleasing.

Were we not helpful? Can visits to your garden inspire more amorous nights in your bedroom? If you’ve spread your seeds carefully, if you harden off your plants properly, if you keep it moist with mulch, you can have a sexy garden. What we’re trying to say is if you plant well … you can be well planted.

Norman, Oklahoma comedian and author, Stan Silliman, wrote eight cartoon humor books including “The News in Double Dactyls” awarded the Best Book of Poetry 2002 by Oklahoma Federation of Writers. He was named “Oklahoma City’s Funniest Person” in 2014 Stan wrote over 1400 jokes to win the on-line “Kwipster” contest in 2011 for topical joke writing. Check out his website: Silliman on Sports – a new sports and humor column.

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published with the permission of the author