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Note from the Cat-Sitter

I appreciate you stopping in from time to time this weekend to check on my cat, make sure his water is filled and he has his food and that the litterbox doesn’t become too gross. Thanks.

No problem – here are my notes

Saturday morning, 9:00 a.m. Found cat looking out window, sulking. Tried to cheer up cat. Cat has abandonment issues. I said you’d be back but cat just keeps repeating “This isn’t the first time. This isn’t the first time, you know. That whore!” Cat showed me valium stash. Said he normally gets one. Clearly lying. Gave him half. He seems to chill a bit. The other 2 and a half I have included as part of my compensation package due to unforeseen circumstances.


Saturday Noon. Caught cat smoking a doobie in the bathroom without the fan on. Severely chastised cat. Bad cat. Very BAD cat. Told cat repeatedly that having fan on was fundamental. Cat said something about a “lecture”. Unfortunately cat fails to see this as a learning opportunity. Confiscated cat’s stash. Cat became angry. Stormed out of bathroom. Cat has anger management issues.


Saturday 2:00 p.m. Cat lunges at me from behind the front door. Please find attached receipts for 1) outpatient services, 27 stitches $659, 2) carpet cleaning $250, and 3) cat declawing $200.

Saturday afternoon 4:00 p.m. Brought back half of cat’s stash. Smoked a couple of reefers. Cat offered bag of Doritos. Since a resident of the apartment offered the Doritos I do not feel I have to reimburse for them. Cat asked me if I have girlfriend. Cat says I should bring girlfriend over. I said I thought you were kinda cute. Cat can’t stop laughing.


Sunday morning 2:00 a.m. Surprise visit! Found apartment totally dark except for a few candles. Sade playing on the stereo. A bottle of wine and two glasses on the table. Cat comes racing out of bedroom totally naked. Immediately says that nothing is going on. I say “Did I say something was going on?” He says, “No but you were.” I say “But I didn’t”. Fifteen minutes later I search apartment but find nothing but while in bedroom hear whispering and front door close. Cat seems somehow resentful of my presence. Since wine was open we decide to finish bottle. Cat drank at least half, if not more, frankly.


Sunday morning 9:00 a.m. Discover that I accidently did not leave apartment that night.

Sunday morning 9:30 a.m. Cat going to town licking himself. Starts to choke. Points at throat. I perform Heimlich maneuver. Ginormous hairball emerges. Gi NorMous! In baggie in the fridge. Recommend submitting to Guinness.

Sunday afternoon 5:00 p.m. Watch football with cat. Cat’s team is winning. Cat is frankly an unbearable, superficial, arrogant, little snot. Cat orders pizza then refuses to pay. Not even the tip. Luckily I found where you keep your emergency fund.


Sunday evening 9:00 p.m. Last check in! Cat is sulking again. Asks how much I’m getting paid. I say it’s just a favor, maybe a bottle of wine or a date. Cat is insulted. Calls you a cheapskate. Calls me a two dollar whore. I leave.

Recommend counseling for cat.

Jon Anderson has been working for several decades on the development challenges in Africa, much of that time in Mali. He is concerned particularly with the relationship between natural resources, economics and empowerment. He has worked for several major development organizations, both public and private, and has taught a Johns Hopkins and Columbia Universities. He continues to be committed to helping the voiceless find expression, and promoting under-represented views. One of his favorite biological processes is fermentation.

©2016, all rights reserved
published with permission of the author

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