Superpowers for Superheroes

I just read that Tom Cruise has acquired a superpower. It’s enhanced smell. I read this in the National Enquirer (September 12, 2016) so it must be true. According to the article, Mr. Cruise acquired the ability to smell and identify odors even if they are miles away. He can now sniff anyone and know what they have been doing. Apparently by using his keen sense of smell he can determine what a person had for breakfast with one whiff. The article stated that Cruise recently complained that a staffer smelled like an ashtray even though the guy gave up smoking weeks before. That proves that Tom Cruise has a superpower and he can be super annoying. This talent is not going to make him very popular. Who would want to go to an event that he was attending? You’d be too worried about your bad breath or body odor. And God forbid you pass gas. Even from across the room he might out you.

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When he does, it’s not a pretty sight.

But Tom is not the only one obtaining superpowers these days. The Church of Scientology, of which he is a prominent member, recently constructed a $40 million building in Clearwater, Florida which offers super power counseling and training. The center has specially designed equipment that is more technologically advanced than what NASA uses to prepare its astronauts. The courses are intended to train Scientologists on how to enhance all of the 57 senses that the church has identified, and smell is one of them.

I think it’s great that Cruise has obtained this olfactory power. But this doesn’t give him the superhero status that all guys seek. Cruise should think back to the War of the Worlds movie that he starred in. When the aliens attacked, being able to smell them wouldn’t be much of an advantage. He needs more he-man virtues to become a true superhero.

He should seek capabilities more along the lines of Superman’s. The man of steel has super strength, he can fly, he can leap tall buildings in a single bound (which is actually redundant since he can fly), he can run nearly as fast as Usain Bolt and he has x-ray vision. What more could you ask for? My only issue with Superman, a.k.a. Clark Kent, is that he was born on the planet Krypton. If Trump is elected, he will have to leave our country and apply for legal entry back into the U.S. like other illegal immigrants. And he needs a smarter girlfriend. Lois Lane is supposed to be a crack investigative journalist, yet after dating Clark Kent for years she still couldn’t figure out that he was Superman. His only disguise is a frigging pair of glasses for crying out loud. Actually, you have to wonder about everyone at the Daily Planet since none of them made the connection either. You also have to wonder where Superman changes now that we don’t have phone booths anymore. But back to superpowers.

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Prince Adam doesn’t even try.

I’ve done extensive research on which superpowers would be the most awesome to obtain. Some would be helpful in the case of an alien invasion while others would just be cool to have. Here are the ones that I would most like to have:

My first choice would be the ability to fly. This is very common among superheroes. Those who can do this include; Superman, Wonder Woman and the Flash. Just imagine, no tickets, no security lines, no flight delays and no sitting near crying babies. How wonderful.

My next pick would have to be the Death Touch, also known as Grim Reaping. This is the ability to instantly kill someone with a mere touch. Hellboy is endowed with this gift. It is a very powerful weapon which must be used judiciously. I would only use it on people who go through the express lane at the supermarket with more than ten items, on people who don’t pick up after their dogs, or on people who talk during a movie. Actually I might use it more often than I originally thought.

I would also want the power to control weather (atmokinesis). This is the ability to harness many aspects of nature and is considered a very strong weapon. Thor, Storm and Weather Wizard all have this capability. I could see using this if the in-laws invited us to go to the lake for the weekend or if your baseball team was losing badly in an important game which a freak thunderstorm would nullify.

Of course x-ray vision makes my list. Every teenage boy dreams of having x-ray vision which lets you see through layers of objects (like clothes). Men never outgrow this fantasy. Superman and Wonder Woman can do this. There is also a superhero named Watcher who has this capability. He is supposed to be a good guy but frankly he sounds like a pervert. This ability would make people watching so much more fun for us deviants. It would also be handy if I decided to work for TSA.

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Superboys will be superboys.

Then there is reality warping which is the ability to change reality itself. Mister Mxyzptik, the imp from the fifth dimension, who is a Superman tormentor, has this as does Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. Who wouldn’t want this power?

The final superpower that I would choose is perfect accuracy, which is basically the ability to be, well, really accurate. This skill is often associated with marksmen and archers. Those possessing this trait include, Flash Gordon, Bullseye and Lady Bullseye. With this skill you could become a must sought after assassin or a superb accountant.
But unfortunately, unlike Tom Cruise, I am not a Scientologist so I will not be admitted to super power school. Therefore, I won’t be able to obtain any superpowers. Instead I will need to achieve human physical perfection. This has been gained by Batman and Robin and Captain America who are all superheroes without super powers.
So this is what I am trying to achieve but so far I am failing badly.

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Maybe I could be captain underpants

John Wade, a frequent contributor to Unhinged Magazine, is a retired Chief Financial Officer who lives in Wildwood, Missouri.

©2016, all rights reserved
published with permission of the author

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