The Real War on Christmas

If you’ve heard the news this season, or any Christmas season, I’m sure that you’ve heard about the war on Christmas. Each year, there is a battle and Christmas wins it every time. At least that’s what I assume since Christmas continues to exist.

But no more, it’s time to get serious and  win not only the battle, but the war on Christmas once and for all. And here it’s how my plan on how to achieve total victory:

1. Build a wall around the North Pole and make Santa pay for it

Yes, that’s right. It’s time to put an obstacle to that fat bastard so that he stays away once and for all. It’ll be a good wall, a long wall, a great wall, a wall like you’ve never seen before. And we will make Santa pay for it. And if he refuses, I propose that we raise taxes on all Christmas toys and presents. He’ll pay for this wall in one way or another.


He’ll have no way to get out. Oh, wait..

2. Declare the phrase “Merry Christmas” politically incorrect

Saying that “Happy Holidays” is as acceptable as “Merry Christmas” is just not enough. We have to make sure that the phrase “Merry Christmas” is considered offensive and non-inclusive. Anyone who says it will be considered racist, misogynist, homophobic, and automatically a part of what I call “the basket of not-so-enjoyables.”


Think of the children.

3. Impose a ban on elves

Let’s place a temporary ban on elves of all kinds until we find out what the heck is going on. I mean,I don’t want to be racist, but elves are actually a different race, according to my Dungeons and Dragons books. These little bastards work for nothing and are stealing our jobs. Moreover, they have been shown to kill yuge elephants with a bows and arrows, contributing to the destruction of the environment. I know it’s true because I saw it on a movie.


Someone call PETA.

4. Start a nucular war with the North Pole

We start by declaring a no-fly zone in the Arctic or the Antarctic, whichever is north. Then, when Santa flies in his sleight, we take him down. If he survives, he’ll probably try to use his train, the one that has the Coca Cola logo. We then will send drones to strike surgical attacks, which will be easy because his train will be covered with bright colorful lights. At this point, we declare his sorties as an attack equal to military aggression and we send the nukes and liberate the North Pole.


Who’s ho-ho-ho-ing now?

When not busy mixing his whites with colors, Flippy works as a writer, translator, and language teacher. In his free time, he plays video games, takes photos, and writes funny stuff. You can find his role playing book for parents and bronies, Tiny Horsies, the RPG, published by Relentlessly Creative Books on

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published with permission of the author

Flippy is obsessed with Christmas and has to write something Christmasy every year. Last year he taught us how to make Christmas more materialistic.