How to Prepare for the Presidential Inauguration

1.  Write a letter to your Senators and Congressman

Urge them to continue to do what they’re doing, because that certainly seems to be working.

2.  Urge sensible Republicans, who are good, upstanding people, and who believe in real conservative values, to make a stand if they don’t agree with the direction the country is heading in.

Because that may be the only thing that will work. And because they’ll do that, right?

3.  Participate in a rally or march at your local liberal enclave.

Because that worked before.

4.  Don’t disagree with anything if doing so can in any way be perceived as dissenting from the political party of your choosing.


5.  Reach out to different people from different walks of life and of different political affiliation than you.

Because the one thing we all have in common with each other is that if our opinions don’t align we will the other to fuck off.

6.  Tell people we disagree with to fuck off.

I mean, HE is doing it, so why can’t I?

7.   Engage in social media activism


8. Set the example by publicly bullying and discrediting everyone who disagrees with you. Establish circle of ego stroking friends.

Undermine the country’s values and institutions by establishing yours. Act erratically. Constantly contradict yourself. Okay, this one really requires a separate, ongoing list…

My friends agree with me

9.  Buy a slow cooker.

For that Borscht you’ve always been meaning to make. And which you may soon be required to make.

There are many delicious ways to prepare beets

10.  Ensure your electronics are hardened to withstand electromagnetic pulses

Head to your local Best Buy or Home Depot for induction shielding and hardened chips manufactured on insulating substrates.

11.  Acquire noise-canceling headphones that neutralize the screams of the forsaken.

On sale post-Inauguration

The screams you don’t hear may be your own

12.  Buy Machete.

Human flesh will be the new currency.

13.  Don’t do anything.

Just Don’t.

Colin Raunig graduated from the United States Naval Academy in 2007 and was a Naval Officer for eight years. He is currently a MFA student of fiction at Colorado State University.

©2017, all rights reserved
published with the permission of the author