From My Cold, Dead Hands

Well, the 2016 presidential election is over and Donald Trump is our 45th president. One of the interesting things about the election is that most people didn’t like either Trump or Hillary Clinton. However, there is one very dangerous political organization that should not be ignored and that is the dreaded Prohibition Party. The Prohibition Party has a fairly mainstream conservative agenda except for one thing: they want to ban our booze. If they ever become important, we could be in serious trouble.

Not me!

I oppose their platform strictly for constitutional reasons. The Bill of Rights clearly gives us the prerogative to get hammered. The First Amendment states that there shall be no laws prohibiting the free exercise of religion and we Americans worship our booze. Taking away our hooch would also be a violation of the Eighth Amendment which prohibits cruel and unusual punishment. What could be crueler than denying hard working Americans the ability to pound down one too many beers after work? And, in the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson alluded to our right to imbibe when he wrote of our unalienable rights including,” Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happy Hours.”

Ben Franklin probably said it best when he exclaimed,” Wine (although it applies to all alcohol) is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” Yay God. So I say to the Prohibition Party, “don’t tread on me. I’ll give you my ice cold beer when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.”

I’ll surrender my baby first!

Although America already has an abundance of political organizations, to counterbalance the growing prohibition threat, America needs more interesting and fun parties which will inspire more people to vote. For example, countries such as Poland, Ukraine, Russia and the Czech Republic have had beer parties. Americans should form one too. The conventions would be a blast.

And there are other unique political groups that might flourish in America as well. Italy had a Love Party that was co-founded by two porn stars. It promoted free love and political apathy which go together nicely. Members practicing free love aren’t going to give a hoot about politics. And in England, Charlotte Rose, who is best known for having won the prestigious British sex worker of the year award in 2013, twice ran for office on the Sexual Freedom Party. Unfortunately, she lost both times having never received more than 56 votes. I guess most of her former clients didn’t even vote for her. Having politicians with a background in porn makes sense. Since all politicians are going to screw us, why not leave it to the professionals?

Another party that might do well in the United States is the Dutch Niet Stemmers (Non- Voters) Party. In The Netherlands 25% of the electorate don’t vote. So this group plans to get the non-voters to cast ballots for them which would make the Niet Stemmers the country’s largest party. If elected, they pledge never to vote in parliament. A similar party in the U.S. might do even better since 45% of eligible Americans didn’t cast a ballot in 2016. The idea is brilliant except for one seemingly obvious tiny little problem. They will never win because their supporters don’t vote… ever.

Their platform seems to be catching on, tho.

The Netherlands is also home to the Colorful Cow Party. I’m not sure what they stand for, but their website does includes a recipe for a Dutch mashed potato dish prepared with Turkish sausages and Moroccan spices. It sounds lekker (delicious). Bet it would go great with a Heineken. Our Republican website doesn’t list any recipes but our Democratic one now has recipes for crow and humble pie.

The little country of Iceland has some of the coolest sounding parties. They have The Best Party, Party of the Future and The Pirate Party. A number of other nations have Pirate Parties including Sweden, The U.K. and Canada. Surprisingly Somalia doesn’t. Ahoy matey! Wouldn’t it be entertaining to have a political party where they dress up like pirates and are not afraid of using torture techniques such as walking the plank (the original waterboarding). Unfortunately these associations don’t have anything to do with pillaging or buried treasure. They were put together to reform copyright and patent law. Boring!

The Canadian Fed-Up Party would also do well here. The FU Party, which is led by Ed the Sock, plans to fight apathy and stupidity in government which every American would like to see done.

Imagine if you could literally do it.

Another intriguing political organization was the Anarchist Pogo Party of Germany, the self- proclaimed party of the mob and the social parasites. It sounds very similar to our Democratic Party (I’m kidding. I would have said it was like the Republican Party except those guys all have guns). This group actually did run unsuccessfully for several offices in Germany. They promised to pay their voters with free beer and one of their slogans was,” Boozing, boozing, everyday nothing but boozing!” How did they lose? And the last party I would like to see start up in the U.S. is the short lived Australian one simply named, Party! Party! Party! All the millennials would join for sure.

Hopefully new parties such as these in America will attract enough voters to overcome the Prohibition Party with its deplorable platform. They must be stopped. The noted philosopher, Frank Zappa once offered these sage words, “You can’t have a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons but at the very least you need a beer.” God save our beer.

Our beer is number 1!

John Wade, a frequent contributor to Unhinged Magazine, is a retired Chief Financial Officer who lives in Wildwood, Missouri.

Want more Unhinged stuff from John Wade? read about the REAL tale of Cinderella.

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published with permission of the author