How to Get Healthcare The Unhinged Way

Healthcare in the US is more expensive than ever. Seeing a doctor for 7.35 minutes will cost you at least a couple hundred dollars, and you usually go in praying that he or she doesn’t order a test.

But yet again, we, at Unhinged Magazine, come to your rescue. With our “Get Healthcare the Unhinged Way” guide, we guarantee that you’ll save enough money to pay of that $50 aspirin  you got at ER.

1. Cut down on unnecessary expenses

Healthcare requires money, and you don’t spend money on healthcare because you waste it in other things. The obvious solution is to stop wasting money in other things and spend it on healthcare. However, do not cut down on basic necessities like beer and Netflix, but rather get rid of frivolities like food or education. They’re the ones that are the money-grabbers.

No education actually brings you closer to food.

2. Become religious or spiritual

Are you a millionaire? No, of course not. That’s why you’re reading this article. So, sorry, you can’t afford to believe there is no God or superior being or oneness with nature or something like that. This is the time to heal yourself with prayers, meditation, and karma. You certainly will need all the miracles you can get. Bonus points if you belong to a religious center that provides free consultations or some other health service.

Even a cleric from Dungeons and Dragons will do.

3. Sell your car

Not only will you get some money to pay for a copay or two, you’ll also save on gas and maintenance (an extra copay per year!) and you will get the smug satisfaction that you’re contributing to reducing pollution and saving the planet. As if it weren’t enough, you’ll be doing more walking, WAY more walking, probably at dark while everyone else is still sleeping just to get to work on time. Isn’t that both money-saving and healthy?

And don’t get me started on the amazing morning sights!

4. Go into prostitution

You know what pays well? Sex. You know what is always in demand? Sex. You know what you can dedicate yourself to no matter your level of education or experience? Sex. But above all and most importantly, you know what makes people healthy AND happy? Sex. Sex will allow you to get the income you need to take care of that broken tooth or buy that cream for your rash.

The healthiest people on the planet.

5. Move to Mexico

You know what the exchange rate of dollars to pesos is these days? We neither but we suspect that you get one Brazillian pesos for every dollar, which in Mexico allows you to get a doctor’s visit, a maid, a gardener, your own mariachi band, and a Corona six-pack. Plus, scientists are studying the health benefits of sexy señoritas for a couple of years now.

The scientists’ wives are skeptical of the study.

 

When not busy mixing his whites with colors, Flippy works as a writer, translator, and language teacher. In his free time, he plays video games, takes photos, and writes funny stuff. You can find his humor book, Flippy’s Life Lessons Stuff Every Single Man Should Know, published by Relentlessly Creative Books on Amazon.com.

You need more Unhinged? Check out Flippy’s article where he proposes tweaking language.

Copyright 2017, published with permission of the author.

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