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My Day at the Spa

Ok, so we all have figured out by now that I am in Hot Springs for a work convention. Well tonight is the last night of seminars and elbow rubbing, so why not try for my first time ever a spa session? Now we all know (most of us) how I like to fight against the unknown and steer clear of it so it took a lot for me to try this out.

Like a virgin.

I sign in and they lead me to a room filled with lockers. The lady hands me a wrap and tells me to get undressed and put my clothes in the locker. I look at her …like naked undressed? (Just for the record, they didn’t even offer tequila. RUDE!) So, I proceed to undress myself and put on my wrap to waddle out into that bathing area.

A lady came from one of the tub areas and said, “follow me honey.”

I’m like “OK!”

So we get back there and she tells me to drop my towel and climb in the tub. “Uummmm…with you in here?” (Still no tequila.)

She says, “Yes with me in here.”

At this point I feel very used, so I dropped the towel and get in the tub.

My preferred kind of “water” before disrobing.

This tub has a motor mounted to the wall with copper pipes going into the tub which causes a jacuzzi effect when turned on.

I am picturing the headlines at this point “woman dies in freak electrocution accident” so the lady asks me if I am comfortable and I give her a “really?” look. I will say about 5 minutes in my body starts going limp and I am no longer focusing on my future death. I am now just laying there and thinking about life.

This submarine seems to be exploring the fiords.

Lady comes back and asks if I would like some warm mineral water. Sure why not? I’m only here naked talking to you. Let’s have water.

So I sip my water and lay back thinking I should make amends to the world for every bad thing I have done, cause my soul is cleansed and it is a fresh start!

All the sudden the lady comes back and says 5 more minutes. I realize at this point my mind has been blank for about 5 minutes and now I am wondering if homesteading laws apply to this bathtub??

Well the lady comes back and we get me out of the tub, even though I don’t wanna go. She leads me to the sauna to heat dry and relax for a little bit longer…with ice water.

Next she takes me and lays me on a bed wrapping my shoulders and legs with hot towels while a cool towel rests on my face. I still miss the bathtub. I mean we were homies now!

I lay there for a little while and she has me go to the “pin shower” now. (For you inexperienced folks that has the same feeling as the spot free rinse at the car wash EXCEPT I am ticklish, so there was a lot of giggling involved.)

Finally the lady comes back and pats me down dry. We start toward the massage room.

I have never had a massage before and I will say, when that ladies hands hit my shoulders and neck I DIVORCED the tub and was trying to figure out how to get one of my friends to marry her so I could get free massages.

Feeling totally relaxed and ready to hot wire a classic car and drive home.

Michelle Maupin, a Mother to three, grandmother to two and a self-proclaimed comedian to all.