Double, Double, Toil and Trouble

(With apologies to William Shakespeare)

Donald Trump recently declared that he is the victim of a WITCH HUNT. His supporters agree; his detractors don’t. I’m not sure who is right. All I know is that we haven’t had a good witch hunt since the Salem Witch trials. We are overdue for one and I don’t mean a figurative one. I mean a real one.

Witches are beastly beings that worship the devil, cast evil spells on innocent people and participate in satanic orgies, all of which are repugnant, except perhaps the orgies. I’m withholding judgment on them (the orgies, not the witches) for the time being.

Throughout history people have understood their wickedness. That’s why there have been witch hunts and trials through the ages. In the past these masters of black magic were depicted as ugly old hags with big noses and plenty of warts who wore pointy hats and flew around on broomsticks. The Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of OZ is a perfect example.

Many of them work for the government, for some reason.

But recently the United American Witches Union (UAW) launched a successful public relations campaign to improve the image of these enchantresses. It is now politically incorrect to call them hags or old crones or to depict them in green face. The UAW has also fought to raise witches’ compensation to near that of warlocks (male witches). Their main objective, though, has been to characterize them as good instead of evil. So the sorceresses that we see in the media today are more like Sabina the Teenage Witch or Hermione Granger.

Personally, I don’t accept the good witch view. When we think of a nice one, Glinda the Good Witch of the North comes to mind. But let’s examine her more closely. Was she really so benevolent? At the end of The Wizard of Oz she tells Dorothy that she could have gone home anytime, she just had to learn that herself. When the Scarecrow asked her what she had learned, Dorothy answered that, “if I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further then my own backyard.” That’s ridiculous. Did you see her backyard? It was a dust bowl.

That may be what Ms. Gale said but what she thought was, “if I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again… wait, WTF. You mean you could have told me how to go home before this nightmare started? Instead you sent me on a suicide mission against that nut job of a witch and her bad ass flying monkeys and you only intervened when we were going through the poppy fields. By the way, that was the only enjoyable part of the journey. I was conned into doing your dirty work”

Then there was Samantha Stevens, the seemingly sweet sorceress from the T.V. show Bewitched. She didn’t tell her husband Darrin that she belonged to a secret society of witches and warlocks until after they were married and she never gave up witchcraft as she had promised. See, even the supposedly good ones are super devious.

McGonagall’s punishments were specially harsh.

So I think we need a witch hunt to unmask the evil ones among us. In the past, witch hunts caused mass hysteria. Maybe a NEW mass hysteria is what we need right now to drown out the current mass hysteria. Although this article is calling for a witch hunt, what I am really advocating is a hunt for witches and warlocks. Warlocks are just as wicked.

The difficulty with a witch hunt today, however, is that it’s no longer easy to spot a witch in the wild. These days they don’t stand around a black kettle chanting, “Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble.” They have rid themselves of the black clothes and pointy black hats and, thanks to Compound W Wart Remover, they have lost the ugly warts. They have also traded in their broomsticks for Priuses.

Most of them look like normal people, except for that one lady who lives down the street from me. She still looks like a witch. I’m sure she cast a spell on me when my dog pooped on her lawn.

So how do we identify these new and improved witches?

First of all, witch hunters need to be on the lookout for bizarre behavior. The Salem witch affair began when some girls began screaming, having fits, throwing things and contorting themselves in odd positions. Interestingly, I exhibit the same behavior when Eli Manning throws an interception in the fourth quarter. In their case it was a sign that witches were around. Potential hunters need to investigate such erratic behavior.

Also, look for people who walk around muttering to themselves or people who have way too many cats. Cats are evil, especially black ones, so anyone who lives with more than two must be guilty by association. Keep in mind, however, some women who have tons of cats are just crazy cat ladies, who, while still dangerous, are not as evil as witches.

They are deadly to people allergic to cats, tho.

Another telltale sign is an extra teat, especially a cold one. But be careful in your search for that because, if you are not careful, you may end up being the one on trial
If you suspect someone of being a witch, there are a number of tests that you can perform to test your theory. The first thing you can do is throw them into a pond. If she floats you know she is a witch and if she just sinks, don’t worry, she probably was guilty of something anyway.

Another test is to weigh them against a stack of bibles. If she is heavier than the books you have proof that she is a Witch! And if she is lighter than naturally she is a Witch! If the sorceress weighs the same as the books, you should consider adding another bible.

A third test is to have them recite the Lord’s Prayer. If she can’t recall it perfectly, then she is no doubt a witch (or maybe she’s Jewish).

But before you start the hunt be aware that witches are extremely dangerous beings with dark powers. They will curse anyone who messes with them. While you are trying to capture them they might try to transform you into a frog or a newt or worse yet, a L.A. Rams fan.

Ram’s fan

So be careful out there and Happy Hunting!

John Wade, a frequent contributor to Unhinged Magazine, is a retired Chief Financial Officer who lives in Wildwood, Missouri.

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published with permission of the author