Applying for a Job: the Easy Way

Go on website. Need to create username and password.

Username:
Kasey – Already taken!
Kasey Brown – Can’t have spaces!
KaseyBrown – Already taken!
KaseyBrown1 – Already taken!
Kasey Brown293807402374509238485 – Can’t have spaces (sigh).
KaseyBrown11111111111111111111 – Okay!

Choose password.

Password – Can’t be the word “password.”
Wordpass – Must contain at least 1 number.
Wordpass1 – Must contain a special character.
Wordpass1@ – Already taken!

It’s so important to choose a very, very, VERY secure password, because you certainly wouldn’t want someone hacking into your account on a job website and… I don’t know, applying for a job for you?

God forbid you forget it too!

Finally get a username and password that the internet overlords will accept, they send an email, I click the link and confirm. Great.

Upload resume.

Okay I upload it.

Enter work history.

Why? You JUST ASKED me to upload my resume. Why do you want my resume if you want me to tell you everything that’s already on my resume? Anyway this is fine. I’ll individually click each and every text box and enter the information.

Supervisor’s Name: Dumbface McGee
Supervisor’s Position: Supervisor. Seriously. “Supervisor’s POSITION.” You’re answering your own question here.
Supervisor’s Phone: 999-999-9999
Supervisor’s Email: N/A

ERROR – You must enter an E-mail!

Okay but I don’t have an email for this particular supervisor.

You Must Enter An E-mail!

IDontHaveTheirEmail@gmail.com

Happy now?

Your position when hired: Peer Support Specialist.

Your position after leaving: Unemployed Peer Support Specialist.
.
Height: Um…. 5 foot 5 inches.
Weight: 150 pounds.
Eye color: …?

Okay is this a job website or a dating service?

Maybe I like work in Ukraine with American Skills.

Submit.

Error! The previous form contains errors. Click back to resubmit.

Okay, I click back. What’s wrong? Oh your website doesn’t like it when I put dashes in the phone number. That was the error. You can’t figure out what 999-9999 means because of the dash. You know how to demand the most secure email in the world but yea a dash confuses you.

Also, you were kind enough TO ERASE ALL THE STUFF I PUT IN THIS FORM and I have to fill it all out again. Thank you so much! You’re so considerate!

Fill everything out again, this time avoiding dashes. Get to the next screen.

Upload your qualifications.

Okay, let me go looking for them. (15 minutes later) alright, found them in my inbox, downloaded them, ready to upload now.

You Have Been Logged Out!

Oh Great. THERE’S A TIME LIMIT!

Logs back in.

I have to start all over again. Thanks, you wonderful humanitarian. You are making this as difficult as you possibly can. It’s like you only want people who are steadfastly determined and are willing to spend their lives apply for this position if that’s what it takes. And this is a peer support position I’m applying for so I’m pretty sure once I get accepted you’ll have me washing dishes and folding laundry anyway.

Starts all over, uploads all documents, including cover letter.

Tell us about your previous position. (with a text box)

Long essay questions like this are easy because I can seriously just copy-paste from my cover letter and resume, which are probably never going to be seen by any human. The HR who designed this application will see it, but like I said, no human.

Tell us about a challenge you once faced.

Oh sure. This one time, I was filling out this application, which took TWO FREAKING HOURS and erased all my data twice, then logged me out and forced me to start over, then asked me a bunch of asinine questions which are already answered on the documents I’ve uploaded and here I am still spending time on this when I know it’s going to be automatically rejected anyway.

Gives serious answers to all this.

Now we’re at the end. Thank God!

Provide References.

Yes of course! I literally uploaded a document called “REFERENCES” but sure let me go to each text box and enter the information again!

Voluntary questions:
Gender:
Male – ?
Female – ?

^ There are 72 genders. Triggered.jpg.

TGFN. Tiggered for now!

I certify that all the above is true.

Yes, and thank God this is over!

(literally 10 minutes later)

“Dear Kasey. Thank you for wasting 2 hours of your life. After reviewing your application, we have decided to move on to other candidates. Thank you for applying and kindly go lay an egg.”

Great. Now lets move on to the next agency and spend another 2 hours doing the same exact thing.

Kasey is a certified mental health specialist and former specialist in biomechanics and nutritional science. He lives in Portland, Oregon. Check out his webpage www.4thwavers.net.
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