Hi God, it’s me

Our country has been hit by so many destructive hurricanes and damaging wildfires in the last few months that some people are saying they are retribution from God for something we have done. I’m not sure about that, but it did make me wonder if the Lord is angry with us. So I decided to get in touch with the Almighty directly to find out what’s going on.

Here is the transcript of our conversation:

Me: Hi God it’s me, John. Do you remember me?

God: Of course, John. I created you. I remember every hair on your head.

Me: Well that’s getting easier and easier for you as there are fewer and fewer of them.

God: Sorry about that.

Me: Me too.

God: Hey, if you are calling again to pray that the N.Y. Giants win this year’s Super Bowl, I have already told you that there is nothing I can do until they get a new quarterback.

Really, at this point, they need a miracle.

Me: That’s understood. But this time I’m calling about all of these natural disasters that have been striking the United States recently. Some of us have been wondering if they are occurring because you are cross with us because of something we did.

God: Why am I repeatedly accused of causing these catastrophes.

Me: We don’t always blame you.

God: You call them “Acts of God.”

Me: Oh, good point.

God: People need to remember that I created a pretty good place for you down there, sunrises and sunsets and beaches and puppies and pandas. Not to mention wine and sex.

By the way, you also have a nice rule book on how to live called the Ten Commandments which few of you follow. In retrospect, Moses should have emphasized that I was serious about ALL ten especially that one about coveting. Anyway, why would your Creator want to then destroy things? If you want to point fingers why not blame Satan? After all he is the evil one.

The fact is that after building the earth, which was completed in only six days by the way, I didn’t just rest on the seventh day. I retired. Now I just sit back, sip a little wine and watch the world turn. Ok, I answer a few prayers and perform a miracle here and there but that’s just to stay in practice. Oh, and every so often I do that total eclipse of the sun stunt. In ancient times people thought that it foreshadowed the end of civilization. I used to get such a kick out of that. No one believes that anymore but I still do the stunt because you all enjoy a good eclipse now and then. Humans are so easily amused. Other than that I don’t really get involved in what happens on the planet.

Me: Well what about that big flood that Noah had to contend with? You were responsible for that, weren’t you?

God: You know that stared out as a joke. But that guy Noah took it SO seriously. After he built that magnificent ark I didn’t have the heart to tell him I was kidding about all that rain. So I figured what the hell. That turned out to be a big mistake. For one thing, he was instructed to put the male and female rabbits in separate cages which he didn’t do. By the end of the flood there were rabbits everywhere. Then he put the mice next to the snakes and the antelopes near the lions and the sheep by the wolves. And I told him not to forget the unicorns which, of course, he did. He did a terrible job packing that boat. When it was all over, there were so many species to recreate that I also forgot about the unicorns. For the life of me, I don’t know why Noah included those nasty scorpions. He was distinctly told not to. No one likes scorpions. They were the Holy Spirit’s idea which, frankly, I never understood. So I learned my lesson and haven’t interfered like that since.

We wish these hadn’t been included either.

Me: Ok. So you are saying that these “acts of God” are not truly acts of God and that you take a hands off approach to earthly events.

God: Yes. Hell, if I was controlling things on a day to day basis, do you think the Patriots would have won the last Super Bowl? No one likes a cheater.

Me: But you do answer some prayers.

God: Yes, but it is getting more and more difficult to know when people are praying to me and when they aren’t. I often hear people yelling, “OH God, OH God, I’m coming” when I hadn’t even invited them to heaven yet. It turns out that in these cases, they aren’t really praying to me and they appear to already be getting what they wanted. Other times they are just asking me to damn this or damn that which will only happen when I see fit.

Me: Understood. One more question please?

God: Sure, John. Ask away.

Me: Is this rapture thing really going to occur?

God: Yes it’s on my “To Do” list although I’m not sure when it’s scheduled to occur. But rest assured it won’t be while Game of Thrones is still on the air. That’s a great show.

Me: You will include me in this rapture thing right? I mean I will get to join you in heaven with the other righteous people? Hello? God, are you there? Hello?

So there you have it straight from our Savior’s mouth. These natural disasters are not due to divine intervention. These things happen because, well… S**T happens.

John Wade, a frequent contributor to Unhinged Magazine, is a retired Chief Financial Officer who lives in Wildwood, Missouri.

Want more Unhinged stuff from John Wade? Read his take on how technology can make our minds betray us.

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published with permission of the author