A Special Place in Hell

Recently a lot of people have been claiming that there is a special place in hell for groups of individuals whom they find objectionable. Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright said it of women who don’t help each other (as in those not supporting Hillary Clinton). Ivanka Trump said it about those who prey on children and Steve Bannon said it about Republicans who didn’t support Roy Moore.

That’s why it’s better to consult with experts.

These comments started me wondering about the underworld and if there really are different places in hell for some folks. In order to learn more, I decided to call the devil and ask him directly what’s going on down there. So I rang the Hades’ hot-line at 1-666-666-6666. I expected that some lesser demon would pick up but was pleasantly surprised when Lucifer himself answered. Here is a transcript of our conversation:

Devil: What do you want?

Me: Hi, Devil, it’s me John.

Devil: Oh, I wasn’t expecting to hear from you for another 30 years.

Me: What do you mean?

Devil: Nothing. Forget I said that. What’s on your mind?

Me: Well first, should I call you, the Devil, Satan or Lucifer?

Devil: I prefer, Prince of Darkness.

Me: Ok, I’ll call you Prince. Now Prince, you preside over hell, don’t you?

Prince of Darkness: That’s correct.

Me: How did you get that job?

Prince of Darkness: Well, I was originally created as God’s most powerful angel but I rebelled against him and convinced a bunch of other angels to join the insurgency.

Me: Wait! That sounds a lot like Darth Vader in The Return of the Jedi.
Prince of Darkness: Yes, my story and Vader’s are quite similar. Anyway, after I started the rebellion there were no other jobs available to me and managing hell actually suits me quite well.

That could explain a thing or two.

Me: Understood. So what is hell like?

Prince of Darkness: It’s much like St. Louis in the summer.

Me: Wow, that’s HOT.

Prince of Darkness: Yes, it can hit 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit just like in St. Louis, however, it’s a dry heat which makes it somewhat more tolerable. Besides the scorching temperatures we also have fire and brimstone and nasty demons, not to mention the fact that the vast majority of politicians end up here. It adds up to unending torment for my guests.

Me: It sounds terrible. I can’t image spending eternity with politicians.

Prince of Darkness: It’s really not too bad, especially if you hate the cold. Having lived in St. Louis, you’d get used to it. You know who really has a hard time getting acclimated to our environment are the Canadians. They just can’t take the heat. But, we don’t get many down here. It turns out that being too polite isn’t a sin. Annoying yes, sinful no.

Me: Lately people have been saying that there are special places in hell for people whom they find deplorable. Is that true?

Prince of Darkness: Unfortunately yes. In the beginning, hell was the same for everybody which made it easy to manage. It gave me time to handle my other responsibility which is to tempt people. But today, as you indicated, everyone wants hell to be something different. I don’t listen to what they want for themselves because they are, well….damned, but I try to accommodate their wishes for their enemies.
Both of my roles have gotten more complex. Initially tempting mortals was so simple. All I had to do was offer Eve an apple. But, today no one is going to go for that. In order to reach my quota of souls I need to be more creative. I have to match each person with one of the deadly sins and see if I get a bite. If greed or gluttony doesn’t work, lust usually will, especially lately. But it’s trial and error. I need to spend a lot of time getting to know my clientele these days. So, creating unique places down here is a growing burden.

Me: Can you tell me about some of the special places that you have designed in hell?

Prince of Darkness: I’ll tell you about a few. I recently built a special air conditioned room with a full bar and overstuffed chairs for Trump supporters. The only catch is that they have to watch videos of Hillary’s campaign speeches. They can only take it for a few minutes before they come out screaming into the fire and brimstone. Likewise, there is an air conditioned room stocked with Perrier water, vegan delicacies and yoga mats for Hillary supporters. But in order to enjoy these amenities, they must listen to Trump’s acceptance speech over and over. They soon prefer the fire and brimstone too.

Me: Is there a special place for child molesters?

Prince of Darkness: Yes. They have to bunk with Vlad the Impaler.

Me: Ouch.

Prince of Darkness: Also, last month I had to create a special room for Charles Manson to keep him away from the other boarders. That guy is freaking nuts. Even Ivan the Terrible and Attila the Hun are afraid of him.

Me: Thanks for the information. Now let me come back to something you said about seeing me in 30 years.
Prince of Darkness: Sorry, that was a slip of my forked tongue.

Me: Am I headed to hell?

Price of Darkness: It’s not my call, of course. But you do sin a lot.

Me: Is there something I should do?

Prince of Darkness: Buy some sun tan lotion. Maybe SPF 1000. Just kidding. I’m not an expert in such matters but I think you need to repent.

Me: How do I do that?

Prince of Darkness: I guess you should start by following God’s Ten Commandments.

Me: All of them?

Prince of Darkness: Probably.

Me: Do any of them require giving up booze?

Prince of Darkness: I don’t think so.

Me: Ok, I’ll give it a shot. Thanks.

So there you have it, right from the Prince of Darkness himself. There really are special places in hell. Who knew? I guess we had all better start repenting.

John Wade, a frequent contributor to Unhinged Magazine, is a retired Chief Financial Officer who lives in Wildwood, Missouri.

If you liked this article, you might want to check out John Wade’s discovery of how we are already been ruled by Lizard Overlords.

©2017, all rights reserved
published with permission of the author