Our Lizard Overlords

The world is a dangerous place these days. We are threatened by terrorism, natural disasters, climate change and war. But there is one danger that most people are unaware of which is that our planet may be secretly ruled by a race of intergalactic reptilian aliens also known as lizard people or reptoids.
In a recent poll 12 million Americans indicated that they believe reptilian overlords are running our country. The rest of America is clueless about the menace.

This might have explained why we can’t drain the swamp in Washington. The only reason possible is that the lizard people didn’t come from the black lagoon, but that they came to earth in ancient times from the constellation Draco which makes sense since Draco is Latin for dragon. Now it’s too late to build a wall to keep these aliens out.

Lizard people have scaly skin, snake like heads and webbed hands. So, why haven’t we noticed them? It’s because they can shape-shift, which means they have the ability to transform from reptilian creatures into human beings and back again. They enjoy hiding from us by posing as normal people. Reptoids are pretty much everywhere, although you are less likely to find them in the countryside. They hate beauty and nature. Reptilians prefer filthy, immoral places like Las Vegas, Hollywood and any major news station these days. Oh, and they love Capitol Hill.

Not that they be worse than actual politicians.

There are now two kinds of reptilians, pure bloods and hybrids. Hybrids are the result of crossbreeding between lizard people and humans. They’re like mudbloods in the Harry Potter world. These hybrids may not even be aware that they are part lizard but they are directly controlled by the pure bloods.

Their ultimate goal appears to be world domination. They need power and control and enjoy living their lives as nightmarish puppet masters. Lizard beings are bent on making the world a wretched place for us mortals to live in. They cause human suffering and constant strife because reptilians consume negative energy like jealousy, fear and anger as a source of food. Needless to say they are eating high on the hog these days. These lizard overlords are responsible for disasters such as the recent hurricanes and wild fires and the Cleveland Browns football team. You can also blame them for Fox’s canceling Arrested Development.

In attempting to control the human race, reptilians have become world leaders, politicians, media personalities, entertainers and lawyers. Most lawyers may be lizard people. But I doubt any are accountants because reptilians want to inflict misery not incur it themselves.

It is thought that past presidents from both parties, including Bill Clinton, Barack Obama and, of course both Bush #41 and #43 are reptilians. And for some reason the theory’s advocates are convinced that the Queen of England, along with the entire royal family, are also shape-shifting aliens from outer space. I wonder if Prince Harry’s fiancé knows that she may be marrying into a family of lizards.
But humans are beginning to wake up to this crisis and are starting to ask questions. Recently Mark Zuckerberg, during a Facebook town hall Q&A, was asked if he was secretly a lizard. He denied it. But what would you expect him to say? He wasn’t about to reveal the conspiracy.

Also, in 2011 comedian Louis C. K. asked former U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld if he and former vice president, Dick Cheney were lizard people. Rumsfeld refused to directly answer the question which the comedian took for a possible admission of guilt. After hearing about C. K.’s sexual harassment accusations, I’m convinced that even if Rumsfeld and Cheney were lizard people, Mr. C.K. would still have been the creepiest guy in the room.

People in other countries are raising questions too. In 2014 the New Zealand Prime Minister was accused of possessing cold blood and a forked tongue. He claimed to have seen a doctor AND a vet who both cleared him of the charge.

I’m not sure who might be a reptilian. I don’t want to cast aspersions but if they do exist I bet that Bill Belichick and the entire New England football team are lizards. It’s just a feeling I have which has absolutely nothing to do with me being a N.Y. Giants fan.

Reptilians are notoriously difficult to detect. Believers speculate that they have altered human DNA to limit our consciousness and make it easier to control us and harder for us to detect them. They also distract us with media, entertainment and politics. Who is going to worry about lizard overlords when watching Game of Thrones or the latest Star Wars movie?

One thing they can’t control is the red eye photo phenomenon. Their eyes appear red and spooky in photos. So you may want to check your family photo album. If crazy Aunt Ethel appears with red eyes you know she isn’t just crazy. She’s a lizard. But Grandma Dorothy, despite her scaly skin, probably isn’t. She’s just old.

Don’t let the cuteness of the newly born fool you.

Occasionally they screw up and reveal their true nature. When angry or excited it is hard for lizard beings to control themselves and their skin and eyes start to become reptilian like. That is the first phase of a transformation. Some people have claimed to see people in positions of power change from human form to lizard and back again right in front of their eyes. It is unknown what the observers were drinking or smoking at the time.

Now, I know you are thinking that there is absolutely no evidence of lizard people actually existing. But believers will tell you the lack of proof shows that the evidence is being suppressed. And besides, you can’t prove the theory isn’t true. The 12 million Americans who believe that malevolent lizards are ruling over us may be on to something or they just might all live in crazy town.

I didn’t believe the conspiracy theory either until I saw Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell and political commentator, James Carville, on television the other day. Now I believe it. Come on you guys, you aren’t even trying to hide it anymore!

It’s impossible to hide.

I’m keeping my eyes on Aunt Ethel this holiday season.

John Wade, a frequent contributor to Unhinged Magazine, is a retired Chief Financial Officer who lives in Wildwood, Missouri.

Want more Unhinged stuff from John Wade? Check out his support for the political party that will give us eternal life.

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published with permission of the author