The Earthlings are Coming!

Stephen Hawking has been sounding the alarm that our dear planet is facing destruction in the not too distant future. He asserts that if nuclear war doesn’t finish us off, global warning or a devastating asteroid strike surely will. Hawking maintains that we need to start leaving our doomed planet or face extinction. And he isn’t the only Debbie Downer claiming that the end is near.

Screw it. I’m calling in sick today.

Elon Musk, the business magnate, inventor and futurist agrees with him. Fortunately, Mr. Musk is working on a project to save us. He has a detailed plan to put one million people on a new planet within the next one hundred years. And the heavenly body he has chosen is…..Mars.

You might think that everyone would be happy about this fail-safe plan but it turns out that some are very much opposed to it. Who are these creatures that disapprove? Why, they are the Martians, of course.

While in Florida I recently came upon a little green man who wanted to share with me the Martian animosity toward the idea. Here is the transcript of the encounter:

I wanted a condo on the beach in Florida but Mars looks nice too.

Me: Oh my God, who, or what are you?

Martian: I come from the planet Mars.

Me: You speak English!

Martian: Yes, I can speak all of your primitive Earth languages, although I struggle with Dutch.
Me: Do you want me to take you to our leader?

Martian: No! I am here illegally and I know how he feels about illegal aliens. I have green skin but no green card.

Me: So, what are you doing here? Have you come to take over our planet and enslave us? Or are you going to use us as a food source and drink our bodily fluids?

Martian: That’s gross. I think you watch too many movies. Why does your broadcast media always portray us as monsters that come to Earth to exterminate you? We are actually kind and fun, much more like Uncle Martin in the old sitcom, My Favorite Martian than the invaders in War of the Worlds. No, I come in peace.

Me: You seem very familiar with our mass media.

Martian: Oh yes. We hack into all of your broadcast sites. We love your music, movies and T.V. shows. We especially enjoy watching your sports.

Me: Even golf?

Martian: Well, we actually make our children watch human golf. It is a great way to get them to fall asleep at night.

Me: OK, So why have you come here?

Martian: Mars is a lot farther from the sun so it gets cold.

Me: Like Canada?

Martian: Yes, exactly. Therefore Martians come to Florida every winter to enjoy the warm weather.

Me: How come no one has noticed you before? You are short and green and have three eyes. You really stand out.

Martian: Martians are shape-shifters. We can transform into human form, only a little pastier. Most people just assume we are Canadians.

Me: So why did you show yourself to me?

Martian: Your last article in Unhinged Magazine indicated that you are one of the smartest people on Earth.

Me: UM, yes that is correct, although it is not widely understood or believed. My wife calls it fake news.

Martian: OK. I need to speak to you about a project that Earthlings are working on. We understand that humans are planning on illegally immigrating to the Red Planet.

Me: Where did you get that idea?

Martian: We know that there is a “Mars Society” on Earth dedicated to promoting the human exploration and settlement of our planet and we have seen the plan to colonize Mars by the human named Musk. On our way to Earth our ship even passed an Earthling driving a red Tesla Roadster heading toward our planet.

Me: Yes, but in reality, that was a mannequin in the driver’s seat.

Martian: I don’t understand – why would you send a sports car into space with a mannequin at the wheel? This does not compute.

Heading to St. Louis. GPS must be broken.

Me: I don’t get it either.

Martian: Anyway the idea of humans coming to live on Mars is unacceptable. Therefore, our supreme leader has called for a total and complete ban on Earthlings entering our atmosphere.

Me: Why is he so opposed to Earthlings going to Mars?

Martian: He fears that you won’t be sending your best. You will send people that have lots of problems like Lindsey Lohan and Charlie Sheen and anybody who has appeared on the TV show Bridezilla. He believes they will bring drugs and crime and some will be rapists. He does acknowledge, however, that some would probably be good people.

Me: I don’t think you need to worry about humans attacking little green Martians.

Martian: What about of the earthling who calls himself Weinstein.

You are not welcome here.

Me: OH, good point.

Martian: I’m sorry but our supreme leader is opposed to immigrants from s**thole planets like Earth, although he has said that he would consider Earthlings from the land of Norway.

Me: May I ask what your leader looks like?

Martian: Sure, he looks like any other Martian except that he is always wearing a hat emblazoned with the words, “Make Mars Marvelous Again.”

Me: I believe Martians and humans may have more in common than you think.

Martian: Maybe. Now can you deliver a message to the human named Musk? Tell him to colonize Neptune or Uranus instead. We want Earthlings to live long and prosper, just not on our planet.

Me: Sure. I will give him your message.

Martian: And can you ask him to send me a Tesla Roadster like the one we saw in space? Perhaps a blue one as Martian police are more apt to give speeding tickets to drivers of red sports cars.

Me: I sure will.

Martian: Great. Now I must phone home and tell our leader that I have delivered our warning to an Earthling.

So, Elon Musk, please take note, the Martians know of your plans for their planet and they are not happy. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

John Wade, a frequent contributor to Unhinged Magazine, is a retired Chief Financial Officer who lives in Wildwood, Missouri.

You can check out John Wade’s previous article about how we have made lying a part of our every day lives.

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published with permission of the author