You Get Banned!

Just recently, Formula 1 announced that they will not be using grid girls in their races anymore due to modern day societal norms. Apparently,  according to modern day societal norms, men dislike cars and beautiful girls, so this is obviously going to bring more fans and viewers. The girls, who are now without a job, must be jumping with joy.

But modern day societal norms must prevail, regardless of market forces, tastes, and biology. That’s why I do not only support this decision by Formula 1. In fact, I think we are not going far enough in banning offensive images, words, and sounds. Here are the most important items that I should be banned in the near future.

You get banned! You get banned! Everybody gets banned!

1. Beautiful Girls

Some people say that after the grid girls, political correctness is going to go after cheerleaders or female wrestlers. That’s thinking way, way too small. I saw we ban all beautiful girls altogether and solve the problem once and for all.

As to what to do with all the girls, that’s easy. Let’s gather them all, build a wall around them, and make them pay for it. We can put them in some empty place in the middle of nowhere, like Wyoming, and name it Cutegirlistan.

Of course, there would be a path to citizenship. Women over 35 can apply for a visa if they prove to have a record of deteriorating looks.

Rosie O’Donnell is perfectly safe.

2. All Animals that are Not Cats

Honestly, why even have something else? Aside from a cat, the most common pet is a dog. Aren’t we always told cats are like women and dogs are like men? Obviously, this is a no brainer. Birds and fishes usually are kept in some sort of prison. That’s obviously inhumane and must go. That gets rid of pretty much all pets.

Non-domestic animals are typically used for meat, eggs, milk, and other cruelty and violence-promoting purposes. How can we expect school shootouts to stop when we allow a 7-year-old to have fried eggs and toast for breakfast? So, no. Just no.

Irresponsibility at its worst.

3. Math

Really, is there anything that causes more pain and suffering in school than math? Yes, I know that at least Oxford University is giving more time to students so that women than get better grades in math exams, but some might interpret that as treating one gender better than the other, instead of the equality that it’s promoting. But why allow such ambiguity? Let’s just ban math altogether. I never needed it, you never needed it.

I know that many people say that math is necessary, but honestly, for all practical purposes, it isn’t. If I had a dollar for each time I had actually needed math in my whole life, I’d have about $2.50 at most.

We already have magic machines that can do math for us.

4. Every Movie, TV Show, book, Song, Painting, or Sculpture from before 2016

Pretty much every cultural expression from 2015 and before has to go. We all know how offensive Huckleberry Finn and Dr. Seuss can be; no question about it. However, even latest TV shows like Friends and the Big Bang Theory have proven themselves to be full of racism, sexism, and homophobia. The Manchester Art Gallery has made the right call of removing a romantic painting from 1869 until it is re-contextualized to remove damaging ideas about the depiction of women’s bodies. But if you really want to see misogyny in its maximum expression, then there’s no bigger culprit than Paw Patrol. It’s the current year and we can not have that.

Just to make things safer, any content from 2016 and 2017 will have a trigger warning indicating that these cultural expressions were a product of their times and they might reflect attitudes and stereotypes that were wrong then and are wrong now.

Puppies for Oppression!

5. Gender

Oh wait, this is already being done.

You can read more of Flippy’s writing. Check out his predictions for popular hashtags for 2018, as well as his take on the rise of Clickitivism.

When not busy mixing his whites with colors, Flippy works as a writer, translator, and language teacher. In his free time, he plays video games, takes photos, and writes funny stuff. He wonders why girls aren’t interested in the difference between a hadouken and a shoryuken, but he himself does not know the difference between a hand towel and a bath towel. You can find his book aimed at young men who are living on their own for the first time: Flippy’s Life Lessons on Amazon.com. http://www.amazon.com/Flippys-Life-Lessons-Stuff-Single/dp/0989540685