Our Forgotten Slackers

Garfield seems to have the right attitude.

A small crowd of anti-work agitators marched outside the White House yesterday demanding more support for lazy Americans. The march was originally planned for early in the morning but was moved to the afternoon when the organizers realized that most of their supporters didn’t get out of bed before noon.

The group has been vocal in complaining that Washington politicians are constantly praising hardworking Americans and working families while ignoring the plight of those who would rather not lift a finger. They complain that the political left is floating the idea of a federal job guarantee while those on the right want work requirements for Medicaid and food stamps which would force Americans to toil for any benefits they receive. But this group wants none of it.

The protesters noted that many states have passed right to work laws which the group abhors. They would prefer to see some right to NOT work legislation or at least some right to not work very hard laws. The activists have, however, stated that if they have to toil they should be allowed to work European hours. Europeans only put in 35 hours per week and are afforded tons of vacation time. They think this is far more civilized. From the t-shirts the protestors were wearing it appears that the group’s hero is Fox T.V. personality, Homer Simpson, who thinks that if something is hard to do, it’s not worth doing. That seems to pretty much sum up the demonstrators’ philosophy.

The marchers were very upset by the outcome of the 2016 election. One of the rally’s spokespeople exclaimed, “We were horrified that Trump won since he had declared that he would be the greatest jobs president that God ever created. A job is the last thing we want. We were all supporters of low energy Jeb. In retrospect, we probably should have voted. But the weather was SO dreary on primary day.”

One advocate for the unworking explained that, “the current administration should support our cause. The unemployment rate only takes into consideration those who are actively looking for work. If we got off our duffs and began looking for a job, the unemployment rate would skyrocket.”

But the demonstrators are not opposed to all drudgery. A few are gainfully employed but in less than demanding occupations such as video game tester, professional cuddler and research study participant. And several are clerks with the DMV. One guy even plans to run for president in 2020, largely because he sees it as an opportunity to play an inordinate amount of golf without his wife complaining and he thinks the White House food would be better than his wife’s cooking.

However, a number of them said they would rather pursue other opportunities such as lying on the beach, watching Bridezilla or just sleeping. As one protester explained, “most of us are just lazy. Laziness is something we excel at and as Dagwood Bumstead said, “You can’t teach people to be lazy- either they have it or they don’t.” And by God we have it.”

One agitator said that, like Paul Ryan, he just wanted to spend more time with his family – both the one at home and the one he meets at Joe’s Bar and Grill during happy hour.
Other than trying to get America over its obsession with the value of hard work, the group hasn’t yet thought through what specifically they are demanding but they hope to get around to it sometime. After marching for about fifteen minutes the protesters peacefully dispersed stating that it was too hot, their feet hurt and it was almost nap time.


John Wade, a frequent contributor to Unhinged Magazine, is a retired Chief Financial Officer who lives in Wildwood, Missouri.