Tweaking Language Mar04

Tweaking Language

This week, I learned that apparently a cartoon series for girls is racist, that there was a war on Wikipedia about the gender of Garfield, and that Cardiff Metropolitan University banned words such as manpower and girls. This trend is going to continue. So, I’ve decided to help universities, writers, movie makers, and other creators make some more changes to the language and some titles of known works in order to avoid offending someone’s feelings. And if you’re one of them reading this, you’re welcome. I’ve even put them into nice little categories for easy classification: Everyday Phrases An arm and a leg...

How to Make Your Restaurant Not Suck

Going to a restaurant should be a pleasant experience, but sometimes, it is not. Based on my own experience. Here are some egregious examples of such situations. 1. Do not watch a movie and make everybody listen to it This one happened to me. The owner of the restaurant was watching a movie in his computer. I could barely see the little screen but I knew he was watching some action movie. How did I know that? Because he had connected his computer to the sound system of the restaurant and everyone could hear the gunshots and the explosions loud and clear. When we complained to the waiter, the owner lowered the sound of the movie… a bit. 2....

From My Cold, Dead Hands Feb11

From My Cold, Dead H...

Well, the 2016 presidential election is over and Donald Trump is our 45th president. One of the interesting things about the election is that most people didn’t like either Trump or Hillary Clinton. However, there is one very dangerous political organization that should not be ignored and...

How to Ruin a Relationship Feb05

How to Ruin a Relati...

Say you found your special someone and you are now in a happy relationship. You might think it’s time to work it out into something more stable, but you’d be so wrong. If romantic comedies have taught us something, it’s that after a few dates, it’s time to go through a major conflict that...

Ken

As soon as Kenneth got out of the boyish Kenny stage and friends and family members began calling him Ken, he suddenly loved his name. In fact, he loved the simple word itself: Ken. It came upon him so heavily, this love of his name, that he did research to find as many meanings of Ken that...

The Grim, Grimm Tale of Cinderella Jan14

The Grim, Grimm Tale...

We all know the story of Cinderella. She was the sweet, innocent girl who must live with an abusive step-mother and ugly step-sisters. Life is a living hell until her fairy godmother enables her to go to the king’s ball. At the shindig she meets the handsome prince who dances with her and...

How to Prepare for 2017 Jan07

How to Prepare for 2017

2016 if finally finished and many people are breathing a sigh of relief. However, do not fall into the temptation of letting your guard down. There is no guarantee that 2017 isn’t lullying you into a false sense of security so that it can strike while we’re distracted watching the seventh season of Games of Thrones. This is why we have to take a hint or two from 2016. 1. Protect your wild animals from other people’s children If 2016 taught us anything, it’s that children present a serious safety hazard for wild animals all around the world. Just hanging around with one of those little fellows can get you shot....

The Sky is Falling? Dec24

The Sky is Falling?

Only God knows when the human race will cease to exist, but that has not stopped doomsday theorists from trying to predict the end of planet earth as we know it. The first end of the world prognosticator was Chicken Little, a.k.a Chicken Licken, who mistakenly believed that the sky was...

The Real War on Christmas Dec19

The Real War on Christmas

If you’ve heard the news this season, or any Christmas season, I’m sure that you’ve heard about the war on Christmas. Each year, there is a battle and Christmas wins it every time. At least that’s what I assume since Christmas continues to exist. But no more, it’s time to get serious and  win not only the battle, but the war on Christmas once and for all. And here it’s how my plan on how to achieve total victory: 1. Build a wall around the North Pole and make Santa pay for it Yes, that’s right. It’s time to put an obstacle to that fat bastard so that he stays away once and for all. It’ll be a good wall, a long wall, a great wall, a wall...

How to Get a Job: Millennial Edition Dec11

How to Get a Job: Millennial Edition

It’s hard for a Millennial to get a job. Competition is strong so employers can demand you to have a Master’s Degree and two Doctorates, fluency in five languages, and 17 years of experience in the industry for a job where you’ll enter numbers in a worksheet. Still, there is no reason to make getting a job harder than it already is, so here’s yet another of my oh-so-helpful guides: How to Get a Job, Millennial Edition. 1. Study something that is actually demanded I get it. You are really into ancient Chinese dynasties, contemporary dance, or Harry Potter fanfics, but majoring in those or similar studies is going to make it a tiny bit harder...

The World According to Telenovelas Dec05

The World According ...

I already wrote about how the world works according to Hollywood and Anime. Today, I’m going to take a look at Telemundo and Mexican Telenovelas, since they appear to have their own rules of how things work. 1. Poor girls look like super models. The average low class Mexican girl has...

An English Professor Pens a Chik fil A Yelp Review Nov25

An English Professor Pens a Chik fil A Yelp Review

“Chik fil A”’s understanding of the English language is shaky at best. It’s spelled “Chicken,” not “Chikin.” Yes, I am being flippant. The marketing campaign is devoted to a fictional group of cows who were spared from the assembly line to hastily paint semi-literate signs imploring the human carnivores of the world to “Eat Mor Chikin” instead of beef. I can’t deny that the adverting campaign works. I like beef. I eat beef. But when I drive past a “Chik fil A” billboard and witness these bovine declarations to eat the particular poultry that is provided at this establishment, goddamn, my mouth waters, my foot presses down on the...

There’s a Museum for That Nov20

There’s a Museum for That

My wife and I recently traveled to upstate New York. Along the way we decided to visit a few museums. First we stopped at the Jell-O Gallery Museum because there is always room for a Jell-O tour in your itinerary. At the gallery we were given a guided tour through Jell-O history. Although I am a history buff, this tested my limits. However, I did learn that the dessert’s main ingredient is gelatin which is made by boiling the connective tissue, bones and skin from cows and pigs. Yummy. It’s surprising that there is an entire museum dedicated to this one jiggly dessert. But there is. My wife had been wanting to go there thinking there would...

If You Could Dodge Questions Like a Candidate

You’ve all seen it. A candidate is caught doing something questionable and you are dying to know what his or her answer is. Then, the interviewer asks the question that everybody has been waiting for. But you get a non-answer. Boy, wouldn’t  you love to be able to answer questions like that? Just close your eyes and imagine… Question: Where’s the report? You: I agree wholeheartedly that the report is important. However, let’s not forget the fact that since I’ve started working here, I’ve arrived on time almost everyday. On top of that, I’ve been remembering the birthdays of every co-worker...

Note from the Cat-Sitter Oct30

Note from the Cat-Si...

I appreciate you stopping in from time to time this weekend to check on my cat, make sure his water is filled and he has his food and that the litterbox doesn’t become too gross. Thanks. No problem – here are my notes Saturday morning, 9:00 a.m. Found cat looking out window, sulking. Tried to...