The Real War on Christmas Dec19

The Real War on Christmas

If you’ve heard the news this season, or any Christmas season, I’m sure that you’ve heard about the war on Christmas. Each year, there is a battle and Christmas wins it every time. At least that’s what I assume since Christmas continues to exist. But no more, it’s time to get serious and  win not only the battle, but the war on Christmas once and for all. And here it’s how my plan on how to achieve total victory: 1. Build a wall around the North Pole and make Santa pay for it Yes, that’s right. It’s time to put an obstacle to that fat bastard so that he stays away once and for all. It’ll be a good wall, a long wall, a great wall, a wall...

How to Get a Job: Millennial Edition Dec11

How to Get a Job: Millennial Edition

It’s hard for a Millennial to get a job. Competition is strong so employers can demand you to have a Master’s Degree and two Doctorates, fluency in five languages, and 17 years of experience in the industry for a job where you’ll enter numbers in a worksheet. Still, there is no reason to make getting a job harder than it already is, so here’s yet another of my oh-so-helpful guides: How to Get a Job, Millennial Edition. 1. Study something that is actually demanded I get it. You are really into ancient Chinese dynasties, contemporary dance, or Harry Potter fanfics, but majoring in those or similar studies is going to make it a tiny bit harder...

The World According to Telenovelas Dec05

The World According ...

I already wrote about how the world works according to Hollywood and Anime. Today, I’m going to take a look at Telemundo and Mexican Telenovelas, since they appear to have their own rules of how things work. 1. Poor girls look like super models. The average low class Mexican girl has...

An English Professor Pens a Chik fil A Yelp Review Nov25

An English Professor Pens a Chik fil A Yelp Review

“Chik fil A”’s understanding of the English language is shaky at best. It’s spelled “Chicken,” not “Chikin.” Yes, I am being flippant. The marketing campaign is devoted to a fictional group of cows who were spared from the assembly line to hastily paint semi-literate signs imploring the human carnivores of the world to “Eat Mor Chikin” instead of beef. I can’t deny that the adverting campaign works. I like beef. I eat beef. But when I drive past a “Chik fil A” billboard and witness these bovine declarations to eat the particular poultry that is provided at this establishment, goddamn, my mouth waters, my foot presses down on the...

There’s a Museum for That Nov20

There’s a Museum for That

My wife and I recently traveled to upstate New York. Along the way we decided to visit a few museums. First we stopped at the Jell-O Gallery Museum because there is always room for a Jell-O tour in your itinerary. At the gallery we were given a guided tour through Jell-O history. Although I am a history buff, this tested my limits. However, I did learn that the dessert’s main ingredient is gelatin which is made by boiling the connective tissue, bones and skin from cows and pigs. Yummy. It’s surprising that there is an entire museum dedicated to this one jiggly dessert. But there is. My wife had been wanting to go there thinking there would...

If You Could Dodge Questions Like a Candidate

You’ve all seen it. A candidate is caught doing something questionable and you are dying to know what his or her answer is. Then, the interviewer asks the question that everybody has been waiting for. But you get a non-answer. Boy, wouldn’t  you love to be able to answer questions like that? Just close your eyes and imagine… Question: Where’s the report? You: I agree wholeheartedly that the report is important. However, let’s not forget the fact that since I’ve started working here, I’ve arrived on time almost everyday. On top of that, I’ve been remembering the birthdays of every co-worker...

Note from the Cat-Sitter Oct30

Note from the Cat-Si...

I appreciate you stopping in from time to time this weekend to check on my cat, make sure his water is filled and he has his food and that the litterbox doesn’t become too gross. Thanks. No problem – here are my notes Saturday morning, 9:00 a.m. Found cat looking out window, sulking. Tried to...

News You’ll Never See. Oct23

News You’ll Never See.

These last months there has been a certain event in the news that most people are tired of and would like not to hear about anymore. That’s not what this article is about. This article is about the news that you will never, ever see. 1. Woman Tells Husband: “We Need to Talk.” Housewife Mary Green, 34, of Aurora, New York told her husband, Steward Green, that she thinks she has been spending too much and neglecting her husband in bed. “It just came to me one day. I don’t need another dress or a new pair of shoes. My husband works so hard to earn money and it shouldn’t be spend in frivolities. Also, I think...

Famous Songs Rewritten for 2016 Values Oct16

Famous Songs Rewritten for 2016 Values

We all have a favorite song that we adore and that we like to replay in our heads over and over, specially when someone starts to talk about the cute things their children do. But have you stopped and thought of the feelings that might be hurt? This is why I decided to embark in the quest to update classic and famous songs and adjust them for 2016 values. POC Holiday, by Bing Crosby. (to the tune of White Christmas) I’m dreaming of a P-O-C Holiday, Just like the ones we’ve never known. Where there’s no more dissin’ And children listen To hear praises for their work. I’m dreaming of a P-O-C Holiday With every tumblr post I write, May your...

Tooth Fairies Aren’t...

When my dentist gave me the bad news, I was naturally distraught over the possibility of losing half of my teeth. Even after years of religiously brushing, flossing and wrestling with my Waterpik, the entire lower left-hand quadrant as well as a few other strategically located molars had...

Superpowers for Superheroes Oct02

Superpowers for Supe...

I just read that Tom Cruise has acquired a superpower. It’s enhanced smell. I read this in the National Enquirer (September 12, 2016) so it must be true. According to the article, Mr. Cruise acquired the ability to smell and identify odors even if they are miles away. He can now sniff anyone...

WHAT TO PLANT ON NAKED GARDENING DAY Sep24

WHAT TO PLANT ON NAK...

As God made you, you’re dabbling with your dibblesticks, gardening in the buff on May 7th, Naked Gardening Day, but what do you plant? Yes, we at Silliman on Sports, are often asked “Do I drop a bare root in my bare suit?” We say, of course, if you’re so inclined, plant that honeydew while...

Watching Paint Dry Sep17

Watching Paint Dry

I have no idea why the bank hired me. Apart from a warm body and pulse, I didn’t have a thing to offer Ferneyhough Savings. They didn’t have much to offer me, either. Unless, of course, you count the $9.65 an hour entry level tellers make. To be honest, I didn’t even want the job. I was just...

A Bullfrog and a Butterfly Sep11

A Bullfrog and a But...

A bullfrog and a butterfly both chanced upon each other. ‘My dear, you are an ugly beast!’ the bullfrog dared to utter. ‘Why froggy,’ gasped the butterfly, astounded by his words. ‘My beauty is unparallel while yours is so absurd!’ ‘Ha – ha! Ho – ho!’ laughed froggy so, and with a knowing...

You’ve Been on Social Media Too Much When… Sep03

You’ve Been on Socia...

Are you addicted to Facebook or Twitter? Or is it something you can control? Many people lose control after that first post. Some accept it, some are in denial. Which one are you? See if you show any of the following traits and find out: 1.- You read an email, you like it, and you want to up...