How to Make Your Restaurant Not Suck

Going to a restaurant should be a pleasant experience, but sometimes, it is not. Based on my own experience. Here are some egregious examples of such situations. 1. Do not watch a movie and make everybody listen to it This one happened to me. The owner of the restaurant was watching a movie in his computer. I could barely see the little screen but I knew he was watching some action movie. How did I know that? Because he had connected his computer to the sound system of the restaurant and everyone could hear the gunshots and the explosions loud and clear. When we complained to the waiter, the owner lowered the sound of the movie… a bit. 2....

An English Professor Pens a Chik fil A Yelp Review Nov25

An English Professor Pens a Chik fil A Yelp Review

“Chik fil A”’s understanding of the English language is shaky at best. It’s spelled “Chicken,” not “Chikin.” Yes, I am being flippant. The marketing campaign is devoted to a fictional group of cows who were spared from the assembly line to hastily paint semi-literate signs imploring the human carnivores of the world to “Eat Mor Chikin” instead of beef. I can’t deny that the adverting campaign works. I like beef. I eat beef. But when I drive past a “Chik fil A” billboard and witness these bovine declarations to eat the particular poultry that is provided at this establishment, goddamn, my mouth waters, my foot presses down on the...

Oklahoma City Created Fat People Aug06

Oklahoma City Create...

I’m not trying to come off as a Chamber of Commerce ad but I have civic pride and my little city did its part in building our country’s economy. Oklahoma City created fat people! There. I said it. Our little berg had a part in the beefing up of our great nation. Without Oklahoma City, Pizza...

Fried Eggs on the Sidewalk Jul28

Fried Eggs on the Si...

In Arizona this past weekend – where temperatures muscled their way to 120 degrees – folks were frying eggs on the sidewalk and baking chocolate chip cookies in cars giving new meaning to the term “outdoor kitchen.” Today where I live in Woodland Hills, California, in the San...

TORONTO MAYOR ROB FORD DIES Jul16

TORONTO MAYOR ROB FO...

TASTY ATHLETES TORONTO MAYOR ROB FORD MIGHT EAT Embattled Toronto crack smoking mayor Rob Ford died March 22. He once said at a press conference that he had “more than enough to eat at home.” It’s obvious, you could tell by looking at him. An overweight crack smoker doesn’t get to be 400...

Where Fudge Is Made

When the Terran Interplanetary Diplomatic Service opened relations with the major civilization on the planet Flomcarp in the solar system of the median stellar body called Grantius by the Terrans, Whowhatso by the Flomcarpians themselves, it was for a single economic reason. Flomcarp’s sole...

Phōm: A Dining-Like Experience

Philosophy At Phōm, we do not deign to nourish. Our goal is to challenge, elate, electrify, perhaps frighten, exalt, test, and expand. Protocol Enter Phōm expectantly. Wear loose and comfortable clothing. Abandon obsolete hindrances like hunger and thirst. Prepare to exalt in our oeuvre. Foretastes Onion-Tunic Contemplation       26. Rhombus of Vidalia tunic, poised on an origami tripod, constructed from vintage onion skin typing paper. Served with clattering sound effects and harsh lighting. Stem Cell and Turmeric Foam      95. Fusion of liquefied and whipped stem cells, extracted from the placentas of Kobe cows, finished with turmeric...