Famous Songs Rewritten for 2016 Values Oct16

Famous Songs Rewritten for 2016 Values

We all have a favorite song that we adore and that we like to replay in our heads over and over, specially when someone starts to talk about the cute things their children do. But have you stopped and thought of the feelings that might be hurt? This is why I decided to embark in the quest to update classic and famous songs and adjust them for 2016 values. POC Holiday, by Bing Crosby. (to the tune of White Christmas) I’m dreaming of a P-O-C Holiday, Just like the ones we’ve never known. Where there’s no more dissin’ And children listen To hear praises for their work. I’m dreaming of a P-O-C Holiday With every tumblr post I write, May your...

Middle Age Crises Are Fun! Jul23

Middle Age Crises Ar...

Have you ever – to the shock and horror of everyone you know – turned your back on a job you’ve been at for many years to do something completely different with your life? Did you ever reach a point when you decided damn the torpedos and anything or anyone else, I’m...

Air Travel Etiquette Jul16

Air Travel Etiquette

Last week, I was invited to a conference in another country. I must admit that despite my high degree of sophistication and savoir-faire (google it too!), I was unfamiliar with air travel and I had some doubts about how to conduct myself while at it. For example, do we applaud at the...

Of God and Football Jun11

Of God and Football

We Americans believe in a lot of peculiar things. Twenty percent of us believe in witches and nearly the same percentage thinks that fortune tellers can foresee the future, despite the fact that no seer has ever won the lottery (if I could see the future I would focus on Powerball). By the...

BLATTER OUT, SEXWALE IN May21

BLATTER OUT, SEXWALE IN

“Tokyo Sexwale will replace Sepp Blatter,” says Davidoff Clarkinov, my soccer FIFA expert. I can’t say Sepp Blatter without rushing to the bathroom. It’s not so much his corruption, just that his name evokes a certain urination urge. Now, Tokyo Sexwale, I have no idea what that is. I’m imagining it’s related to a sperm whale which I’m sure the Japanese also enjoy hunting. Maybe a sexwale likes to hump things but…er… isn’t that reserved for the humpback whale? Wow, I bet no one under the sea wants to get raped by a sex whale. They can go on a dork-a-thon. That’s probably where...

A Language Prof Deciphers OU-Texas Rivalry May08

A Language Prof Deciphers OU-Texas Rivalry

“You needed to be there. Orange shirts, red shirts, fans didn’t like other,” Davidoff Clarkinov tells me. “Many had quite nasty things to say about the rival team.” My Russian friend, Clarkinov, fluent in four languages, a professor of linguistics, loves tennis just came back from his first OU-Texas Red River Rivalry. I was pretty sure the signs, T-shirts and the banter would catch his attention. “Oh, yeah,” I tell him. “When Sooner fans and Longhorn fans meet, there’s no civility. But I don’t think they’re particularly clever.” “But they are! Many Oklahoma fans were wearing shirts with a longhorn steer turned upside-down. Clever, right?...

Mental Health in the 1800s Nov15

Mental Health in the...

See the list above? Enlarge it, study it and thank your lucky stars you didn’t live in the late 19th Century. Because this is a sheet from the Trans-Allegheny Mental Hospital in Weston, West Virginia listing all the reasons you could be committed from 1864 to 1889. The site I Heart Chaos...

The Dez Bryant Catch

In 2028, they’ll still be talking about it. The catch that wasn’t cost the Cowboys a trip to the finals. Has it been discussed to death? Yes. Will we discuss it even more below? Yes, we will. We will dig the catch up from its grave and show you angles you had no idea existed. “Wait!” you say, “Haven’t we seen all the pictures? Isn’t this the most overanalyzed film to come out of Dallas since Zapruder?” Gee, we don’t know. Let’s ask a few folks. How about Jim Garrison? “The catch was high… and to the left. High, and to the left.” “The ball hit a grassy knoll before it touched the frozen tundra,” says Mort Saul, determined to get to the...

Dr. Spooner Talks Football

Every so often Dr. William Spooner gets in my head and wants to talk football, specifically the NFL, and sometimes about his favorite team, (he says “heavens favorite”) the Callous Dowboys. He says the football antics this year were enough to make an angel hose her larp! I said what? He told me, Oh yes, there’s nothing worse than an angel clitting on a soud with a host larp. I say I can see that, so go ahead, Mr. Spooner, tell me more about your favorite sport. He begins “First off, did you follow Funny Jootball, the rookie quarterback for the Breveland Clowns? His antics were funnier than a marrow of bunkies. What a lunch of boozers those...

Weekend Jokes Feb21

Weekend Jokes

Sometimes, it’s hard to come up with something funny every week. So in those cases, I lock myself up, harness all my creativity, and find some jokes and images online. Enjoy: 1.- A young guy from the countryside moves to city on the coast and goes to a big “everything under one...

Healthy Eating is Crazy Feb20

Healthy Eating is Cr...

This is not satire! It is real. This article, reprinted from http://www.globalresearch.ca/, reveals how totally batshit nuts the world of psychiatry and the pharmaceutical industry (along with GMO suppliers and Frankenfoodies) have become. Hide your fresh veggies! In an attempt to curb the...

An Artist’s Example: What to Do When You’re Bored on Board Jan11

An Artist’s Example:...

Whenever you hear a child or teen whine about how bored they are, or perhaps you are feeling trapped in a situation with “nothing” to do, we hope you’ll take inspiration from artist Nina Katchadourian, creator of the “Seat Assignment” project. Ms. Katchadourian’s fertile mind can turn the...

Excerpt from The Insane Journey Aug25

Excerpt from The Insane Journey

Long, long after midnight, Maxwell awoke with a raging headache, a queasiness that spoke of overindulgence and a great need to urinate. He opened his eyes and saw Lucy in bed next to him; clothes strewn all over the floor; two women who were either dead or unconscious and also on the floor; numerous empty wine bottles; two empty tequila bottles; a few hypodermic syringes; a smouldering something or other; and some fresh fruit, presumably from the complimentary fruit bowl that had been on one of the tables. Fruit bowls cannot be trusted. “Fruit. It’s always causing trouble,” Maxwell mumbled to himself as he made his way carefully to the...

The Study on Studies Jul18

The Study on Studies

New York, NY, June 24th, 2013— Today, experts from the AMA published the results of a study showing that people will believe anything as long as you tell them that some experts conducted a study about it. The study was carried out in several states, which names and number haven’t been specified. It was conducted with a sample of 3,1416 individuals. The margin of error was of +/- 3.1416%, with an arithmetic mean of 3, a standard deviation of 1, a frequency distribution of 4, a cumulative distribution of 1, and a variance of 6. Study proves that boobs were big in 2009 The study also showed that people didn’t really care whether the experts...