Our Lizard Overlords

The world is a dangerous place these days. We are threatened by terrorism, natural disasters, climate change and war. But there is one danger that most people are unaware of which is that our planet may be secretly ruled by a race of intergalactic reptilian aliens also known as lizard people...

Applying for a Job: ...

Go on website. Need to create username and password. Username: Kasey – Already taken! Kasey Brown – Can’t have spaces! KaseyBrown – Already taken! KaseyBrown1 – Already taken! Kasey Brown293807402374509238485 – Can’t have spaces (sigh)....

Double, Double, Toil...

(With apologies to William Shakespeare) Donald Trump recently declared that he is the victim of a WITCH HUNT. His supporters agree; his detractors don’t. I’m not sure who is right. All I know is that we haven’t had a good witch hunt since the Salem Witch trials. We are overdue for one and I...

One Wife, Happy Life

Polygamy, which has been in the news quite a bit recently, is the practice or custom of having more than one spouse. Polygamy usually consists of a man having multiple wives. However, it can also consist of a woman having more than one husband. But this is extremely rare as few women want to pick up after more than one man. This lifestyle has been discussed more since the airing of the HBO drama Big Love about a fictional family that practiced polygamy (the normal kind, i.e. a man with many wives). And on TLC there is a show called Sister Wives which is a reality show about a real life polygamist family. Sister Wives documents the life of...

How to Make Your Restaurant Not Suck

Going to a restaurant should be a pleasant experience, but sometimes, it is not. Based on my own experience. Here are some egregious examples of such situations. 1. Do not watch a movie and make everybody listen to it This one happened to me. The owner of the restaurant was watching a movie in his computer. I could barely see the little screen but I knew he was watching some action movie. How did I know that? Because he had connected his computer to the sound system of the restaurant and everyone could hear the gunshots and the explosions loud and clear. When we complained to the waiter, the owner lowered the sound of the movie… a bit. 2....

Our Favorite Day of ...

But what happens when they show up at work like this?  

If You Could Dodge Questions Like a Candidate

You’ve all seen it. A candidate is caught doing something questionable and you are dying to know what his or her answer is. Then, the interviewer asks the question that everybody has been waiting for. But you get a non-answer. Boy, wouldn’t  you love to be able to answer questions like that? Just close your eyes and imagine… Question: Where’s the report? You: I agree wholeheartedly that the report is important. However, let’s not forget the fact that since I’ve started working here, I’ve arrived on time almost everyday. On top of that, I’ve been remembering the birthdays of every co-worker...

Tooth Fairies Aren’t...

When my dentist gave me the bad news, I was naturally distraught over the possibility of losing half of my teeth. Even after years of religiously brushing, flossing and wrestling with my Waterpik, the entire lower left-hand quadrant as well as a few other strategically located molars had...

What’s in YOUR Future?

Qué será, será. Whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours to see. Qué será, será. But wait! I really want to know my destiny. And I’m not alone. Throughout the ages man has looked for ways to learn what the future holds. The Romans were particularly curious. In ancient Rome the Emperor Valens employed alectryomancy, which is the practice of using chickens to read the future, to learn who might be trying to overthrow him. Under this method, a hungry bird was placed amid piles of grain with each pile representing a letter. Names of his enemies were then spelled out as the chicken pecked at the piles. It was like a living Ouija board...

Judge Bustamente’s Buck Up

Judge Bustamente’s Buck Up Chief Judge Butterfield’s “Courtroom Assignments” was a black and white grid-like document; it listed the courtroom assignments for the city’s 42 associate judges and 23 magistrate judges for the upcoming nine-month term in the courthouse’s numerous divisions (criminal, civil, family, probate, etcetera). Every year, for one day, it became the most scrutinized document in the legal community — surpassed in interest only by those ubiquitous NCAA Final Four brackets, which, it being March, and despite gambling’s illegal status within city limits — were literally...

Conspiracy Exposed!

We bet you had no idea that lost socks are part of a vast international conspiracy.  Well watch and...

Not the Cheerleaders!

Maybe columnist Molly Ivins was right – Texas lawmakers ARE crazy. At least this is what my neighbor, Lyle, is also saying when he read about Houston representative, Al Edwards, proposing a law to ban dirty dancing by cheerleaders. Lyle points out this quote by Edwards: “They’re shaking their behinds and breaking it down.” Under Edwards’ bill, if a school district knowingly permits such a performance state funds will be reduced in an amount to be determined by the education commissioner. We’re thinking $500 for a grind, $1000 bucks per bump, $2000 for having Big Busty on top of the pyramid. Short skirts, possibly okay, as long as everyone...

How Streaking Is ...

Streaking – dashing through a public area in the nude – is much like public speaking. At the same time, streaking is the opposite of public speaking. I recently saw a streaker, for the first time since an assembly in high school, which was four decades ago. From giving my earliest speeches in...

Trump Says Palin Wil...

The New York Times says Donald Trump told them Sarah Palin will be his vice-president. Well played, Mr. Trump, if you ever want an out all you have to say, as you did during the Republican debates, is “Hey, it’s the Times. They never get it right.” Having your cake and eating it, too, it...

Pat Robertson Says God Controls Stock Market

“The stock market plunge,” says televangelist Pat Robertson, “is God’s punishment for our government funding Planned Parenthood.” Whoa! A hot damn… whoa! We knew Pat told us God controls the weather “There were gays in New Orleans. Not shocked they were hit by Katrina!” And we knew Pat told us God controls earthquakes, “The people of Haiti, long ago, made a pact with the devil,” but we didn’t know nothing about God manipulating no stocks. That’s news to us. We thought Pat would be right with the world now that Tim Tebow is back playing pro football, this time with the Eagles, one of Pat’s favorite patriotic birds. But no… the stock...